He walked out on a Thursday night not all that long ago......nearly a month but feels like a lifetime ago............I think back to that night often......boy was it intense......the shock....the awe......the understanding of what it would all mean coming to me all at once, in one moment in time........one STILL and POWERFUL moment as the world kept spinning.....I physically shook from the shock.....quite a humbling experience........However that isn't what I think about the most......I think about the way I looked on that night....how I must have looked to him......I was so heartbroken, so small looking........my soul so broken......... it is not as if I had no power in my marriage, I had a bunch........and it wasn't as if I was always small, not even close...... but that night I was, I FELT small......I imagined myself small.....frail in some way.....which was so disorienting, frail is never an adjective that comes to mind when I imagine myself.......I have always imagined myself powerful and strong.........However I did send him on his way that night......to start his "new life" immediately..... no better time than the present right?? I cried the entire night.....not one wink's worth of sleep.....buckets of tears.......the next day I sent my kids to my parent's house and I got in bed and cried for another 24 hours.......again humbling........nearly a full 48 hour of tears.......no stopping them........didn't even try......and through those tears....so cleansing.....so important.......every single one of them.......the old Jenn died........no question that she died that night...............there was no way she could continue on in the same way.........she faded into those tears.......... and as she was fading a new Jenn began to emerge......a wiser one......a stronger one.......a clearer Jenn......one that could see it all so clearly.......it felt like she was shedding her skin.......or busting out of her chrysalis........Now I feel like each step I take will take me closer to the butterfly I was meant to become..........After the tears I got up, wiped my eyes...... and put ALL of Christmas away nearly singlehandedly, all the trees, all the bins, ALL of it........to prove that I could.......I think of that woman from that random Thursday night often......I have such deep compassion for her......she was a woman that believed that if you loved hard enough there was nothing that couldn't be accomplished......she believed fiercely in family and the value of preserving it at all costs....even if that cost was her........ and even if the price was too high.........she believed, just truly believed it all........such a tender heart, such a selfless mama...........she will always remain a part of me.......but the Jenn that is emerging has more clarity, more peace, more direction even in all her pain and suffering.........she gains more each and every day.....with each and every step........I think back to the Jenn of that random Thursday night........I want to hug her......hold her face in mine........face to face........ and tell her you are going to be "just fine".......in fact you will be BETTER than "just fine"........just leap sweet girl..........and you will find your wings.......
jperuso
Comments