You know how sometimes you think you have gotten used to something, or accepted it, and then it hits you again? I had a moment like that last night......I dropped my kids off at their dads.....and it has been a little while since they have gone, since they were sick and the kids have stayed away until they got better.....so maybe that is what caused what I felt? Maybe.......But as I was pulling out of the driveway and watching my kids walk into somebody else's house.....their dad's girlfriend's house.....I had such a pang of that feeling.....my kids looked so small, so innocent, as they carted their stuff up the steps......and I had a moment where I thought that I may never get used to it.....never fully.....this new life we have.....sometimes still wondering how we all got here......how this became our story, the one our kids have to live so fully.....because for sure it is harder for them.....they are still wrapped up in both of our lives pretty extensively, caring so much about us both.....while he and I get to live separate, for the most part.....and my heart aches for them.....it just does.....and I guess the shock came back last night as I pulled away......still marveling that I am divorced.....and my kids go on visits with their dad etc.....and it isn't that I think I am better somehow than that story.....not at all....it is more just my knowing this was never my hope or plan for my life.....I truly thought I would be married all of my days....no matter what....thick and thin.....and all of it ........and to be here.....it still shocks me sometimes.....I can't help it.....and maybe this week also had to do with it.....it was a doozy right??? So many people saying that....and that moon I am sure had a lot to do with it.......so perhaps it was the perfect storm for me to step into the hole I found myself in.....I am also fighting something right now....it started Thursday night....ugh right? And I have so much to do, so I am drinking my magical immune fighting tea this morning....alongside a big mug of coffee and blasting vitamins....getting good rest and deeply breathing.......I guess I am reminded of how complex it all really is......and the complexity of it comes and goes......sometimes fading into the every day....and sometimes making its presence known......and when it appears, it takes my breath away.....marveling at the ruins of my marriage and family.....an ache that will remain all of my days....I know that....I am not sure I will ever "get over" it......I have learned to live alongside it.....have a happy life despite it......find joy, fulfillment, and peace.....all of it.......but a piece of my heart will always feel the sting of what has happened....always..... and fighting it isn't the answer.....inviting it in when it comes to speak to me is....and hearing what it has to say, feeling it all, and then laying it down again and moving along is.......so today I will be gentle with myself.....doing what I can on my to do list....tomorrow I am hoping to hike Bushkill Falls with a friend.....and mow my lawn....and in between do some meditation and praying.....and keep doing my thing.....working everyday to become more of who I want to be, who I feel I came here to be, and to heal my wounds.....all of that and so much more.....Enjoy your Saturday:)
jperuso
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