I said what I said........and boy does it hurt to SAY it.......and to MEAN it......but I TRULY AM.......and that is not to say that I was unhappy for the entirety of my marriage.....because that is not the truth....I had some of the most beautiful days of my life inside of my sweet marriage......some of my happiest days alongside my husband.........but marriage is complicated......it is deep......it is flawed and it is challenging in all the ways, even on the good days......so somewhere along the way we broke......our marriage was taking in water and neither of us realized it.....we were too busy surviving......and facing the storms that came our way......and I think by the time we both realized the leak existed it was too late.....no matter what we tried to do to patch our boat......it just didn't seem to work.........and in that sort of survival spot it is challenging to find true peace......true joy.....true happiness......and maybe love shouldn't be that complicated??? I know no other version so perhaps I cannot say.....I wonder that often......how do other couples look inside their love????? Is their love hard sometimes? Do they struggle with the things we did....SO while for years I felt our love wasn't hard.....filled my up, brought me joy..... Recently our love, our marriage, our lives, felt more complicated, more challenging than it ever should have.........and in that complication and challenge I lost MYSELF.......I became fixated on fixing our boat and Jenn's spirit and soul got swallowed up in the process......and I was losing pieces of me and I didn't even realize it.......and I just didn't feel it happening at the time......and now here I am feeling TRUE JOY......TRUE PEACE.........TRUE HAPPINESS in the wreckage of our sunken ship........and as I wander through the wreckage I wonder how could that be? How could OUR end signal my BEGINNING in such a profound way.......and truthfully on that Thursday night I didn't bet on finding those things so soon.....certainly not less than four months out.......certainly not in the wake of the end......but life is unexpected.....and curious.....and beautiful.....and heartbreaking.....and lovely....and transformative.......and sometimes all of those things at the same time......and as I stand in each of those spaces I take them in and marvel at the fact that I feel like I have been given a gift......a hall pass to not be responsible for another's journey on this earth.......to not carry such a heavy burden......to put it down......and only carry my own burdens.....my own life.....my own challenges......and as I am finishing the sorting of our wreckage.....I know that I will continue to find treasures amid the shipwreck....ones that will glisten in the sun.....ones that will break my heart again.....ones that will remind me of the days when our ship was sailing......full tilt.......with the sun shining on us......... and our smiles so wide they were contagious....to others.....but mostly to each another......and I will continue to honor all the places of the wreckage......the beauty......the pain......the peace.......AND the end.........
jperuso
Comments