I am going to say the words to her........

We choose what feels like love sometimes as we grow.....and repeat patterns, and things that have happened in the past, or in past generations.....and they just circle and circle around....and I shared a picture of my Gilly on her birthday, my dad took it.......head tipped back....laughter rolling through her soul, and it touches me so deeply.....because I know how shattered both my children were in the aftermath of what found us.....and what it took for the three of us to find our way back here.....and it was intense and intentional, and it is worth protecting at all costs.....and I will be intentional about talking to my daughter about love.....and what love should be......how it should look......how it should feel.....what should exist in the space of love.......and not in a way that diminishes her dad......there are qualities in him that she should add to her list.....but in a way that says the words.....I think that is the mistake we make maybe some......assuming our people, or our children get the message about those things.....without maybe fully showing them.....or telling them how it should be.......what they should seek.....and I do not want Madeline to make the mistakes I have when it comes to love......or settle for what I have at different times in my life......or have to learn the hard way like I have so much later in my life.......and sometimes that feels like the thing I am most grateful for...... his deciding to leave.....that decision allowing for me to show my daughter such a different narrative.....not the one where the woman stays against all odds......abandons herself for the good of the family.....accepts treatment she doesn't deserve......sacrifices herself endlessly to the void.....NOPE.....that isn't the version Mads is getting.....and I am so grateful for that.....she gets to see a mom that loves herself now.....one that honors her health, and her body....her spirit...one that smiles a lot, one that is happy often, one that dances and sings, one that prioritizes joy, peace, and faith, and one that can provide and take care of it all on her own.....and one that is devoted to her children and herself.....and gosh that makes me grateful.....and grateful to him for being the one to destroy our family........I didn't have the heart to do it.....not sure I ever would have been able to........even though I knew in my depths it was time too.....the burden of that, too great for myself and my heart to carry......so I thank him for being the one......the one to fold our cards on the table.....and enable me to grow into the role model I want to be for our daughter......and one day I will make it clear to her, with very intentional language, the things she should seek......we have conversations some about it now.....and I will do that without trashing her father.....there is no need for that, ever......she already sees on her own, and verbalizes the things she didn't feel were fair to me then.....even at her young age.....and knows it wasn't right.....and patterns die hard....and cycles.....and I plan on doing everything in my power to not have Madeline seek love in the wrong places....and repeat patterns......and even though I cannot model healthy love for her with a man......YET;-) doesn't mean we can't talk about it. It is my hope one day for her to see healthy love in motion in my life....and gets to see her mom being fiercely loved......but in the meantime, I want her to continue to see me loving myself, and reinforce in her the importance of always loving herself too, and respecting herself above all else......that is my prayer for her.....and for her to never settle for less than she deserves.....never:)