I am falling in love.........

With the things I never had time to fall for before in my life.........I am falling in love with life and its possibilities.......with self care and carving out time each day for ME........with the absolute promise that is found in each new day.........I am falling in love with learning what it is I want, like, and need in this world.........using my voice to speak my truth no matter what the cost is..........I am falling in love with being a better mother because the energy and angst I was wasting, has been transformed into a calmer and increased energy that I am happy to shower them with........I am falling in love with the new activities I have adopted into my life........exercise, running, hiking, blogging meditating, listening to music on a constant loop........ALL OF IT..........but most of all I think I have finally found some love to share with ME..........finally........and truly.......and once and for all.............I have always felt my self esteem was in check and that I loved myself in this life.....always took care of myself, didn't abuse my body or mind........took care of the things surrounding my life.........and I do think that is all true to some degree....but with the benefit of hindsight, and time, and experience I see it a little bit differently now.....there was one missing piece for me in truly loving myself fully............I have always sacrificed nearly every part of me for the greater good, of every single person in my life, including, and most of all him........my energy was spent trying to make sure he was happy, comfortable, and taken care of in this world, alongside being the kind of mom that pours her all into her kids too each and every day........leaving nothing left for me at all...........I didn't have time to wonder what would light Jenn up, and have only jumped from glimmer to glimmer in my life, to the things that really set my soul ablaze......now please do not misunderstand.....I have ALWAYS loved and treasured my life..........been able to look at the things both small and large that I have been blessed with, and be so so damn grateful that it is mine........and I have lived a very abundant life full of love, and joy, and happiness........but a piece of me has been lost for a long time and I am enjoying finding her again.............and despite my having double the responsibility, all of the house both in and out, all of the responsibility of the kids, ALL of it, I still have more TIME in my day than I ever have.....EVER............and more energy in my day........remarkable right? I did not realize all the energy he required of me, and how much it was depleting me, until the absence of it was found.......and the truth is even if I believe I was loving him well.......or trying my damndest to do just that, could I have really been loving him the best I could, when I wasn't loving ME.........??? I am guessing that is a no too.......I truly don't believe you can love another well unless you love yourself, feels like a universal truth now to me........I had a pretty extensive internal dialog back then, that held a high standard for me, and would not always be kind to me in my mind about how I was measuring up.......a running commentary of telling myself I wasn't measuring up in a lot of ways.......just running on repeat in the soundtrack of my life.........and now that is GONE.........I am kind to myself in my head as much as I can be.......I am putting out into the world what I want to receive in this life.......I am doing my best to fill Jenn up, so she has enough energy, strength, and stamina to climb this mountain with her babies on her back.........and doesn't kill herself doing it:) But most of all I am learning to LOVE myself for the FIRST time in my whole LIFE........it has brought tears to my eyes expressing this very thing..........because it is profound, and a shift that needed to be made.......and it is such an important thing to learn in this life..........I am so glad it was on my list of things to learn........and I won't ever take the act of self love for granted again........for me to hope to love another in this life, and love them well...........it needs to start with me...........it really does.........