I decided to try something different today in my blog.......hope it works:) I have written of things over the past 15 months, and sometimes written of them again as my perspective has changed.....and I remembered as I prepared to write about my feelings about being officially divorced now that I had written about what divorce felt like early on........I am sharing that blog entry then will write my current perspective below that! My feelings have changed some but not as much as I would have expected...........This entry was written January 27, 2021........20 days after he left........
"OW! OW! OW! OW! I NEVER WANTED THIS!!!! NOT for ME, NOT for MY KIDS!!!!! Divorce was never on my radar, not for me, not in the cards, not even a thought......silly right? Naive you bet? Downright foolish....absolutely! Ironic considering where I now sit.......I knew enough of divorce over the years to know it was not something to be taken lightly.... not something to be casual about, and I was absolutely right.........On my wedding day I meant every word, every vow, all of it, with all of my heart.....my parent's marriage was ride or die....I always fashioned my approach after that....RIDE OR DIE....always felt that working it out was noble, not giving up was the right thing to do, trying harder on the hard days so important, hanging on when the ride got rocky, working to keep love alive....all of it.....I believed deeply in every single bit of it......So here I am at 44, on the cusp of getting a big old divorce....still so so surreal to me.....I know that this will be a scar I will carry for the rest of my life...I know that getting a divorce will change me forever.....and guess what I am counting on that....because something unexpected is happening....I am not hating the end of my marriage, or what is emerging, not in the ways I expected...I cant't stand that this happened, I loathe what he did to me, and I am so so sad that this is how "our love story," my favorite love story, has ended......and I wish with every fiber of my being that this wasn't what happened, and I especially despise it for my kids.....and I will always wish on some level that our sweet little family could have remained.....forever and ever......but that is not what has happened.....and in the wake of it something totally unexpected is happening. My SOUL is WAKING up! I feel more AWAKE and more CLEAR than I have in years......I feel an awakening deep in my soul happening.....with each step I take. I feel really ALIVE.....I know some of that is pain but it is more than that.....I feel like I am crystal clear on where I am headed.....not what I expected at all.....when the searing pain subsides there is some amazing stuff on the other side for myself and my kids, of that I am certain... I have been married for nearly 15 years and been in a relationship for 20 plus......it has been a LONG time since I have gotten in touch with what I want....what I need, what I like to do, who I am outside of all the people that I care for.....I am an EXPERT on what everybody else needs, what everybody likes, what they want.....and I have truly loved caring all these years for another, it is in my nature, a part of who I am......but somehow along the way I lost my place in that pecking order....my stuff coming last or not at all.....I am not sure I realized it or maybe I accepted it because that is what moms do.......SO here I am rediscovering ME, having time to do such a thing.....while still being able to pour into my kids and meet all of their needs.....kinda crazy right??? Not what I EXPECTED......AT ALL.....So I now have a golden ticket.....one nobody wants, one nobody would choose for themselves, one that I didn't choose for myself, but one that was chosen for me.....I can't change what happened but I sure as heck can grab this golden ticket and swing for the fences! "
I read the above and think that even then my soul knew that getting divorced would set me free......that it would change my life.......even then......and it truly has.......I felt part of that freedom that day in the lawyer's office as we agreed upon our property settlement, then again as I signed the papers, but yesterday that final fray of that tether was cut......and my soul lifted and did a figurative backflip above the ground......the Jenn of once upon a time never thought that anything related to the "D word" could set her free, not even for a moment........always held such serious and clear convictions about that in every single way.....and even the Jenn of Jan 27th 2021 didn't know the true extent of what she would find on this journey......divorce is not easy and my celebratory approach to it, is not meant to trivialize, or minimize the magnitude of what it is or what it means.......not even in the slightest........I believed and believe in till death do us part.......until I don't some now.......and the part I no longer believe in is the part where people change, and in that changing they start to diminish one another..........start to suffocate one another......with no real chance for relief.........and the marriage no longer becomes a place that it was meant to be, it changes from a union to a prison......and in that new space......after much work and therapy......and effort........and good faith......and no way to free one another.........it is OK to let go.......it is OK to celebrate the end........it is OK to embrace divorce......wrap your arms around it......squeeze it tightly and say.......I am happy you arrived.........glad to see you and appreciate what you have brought into my life, because there just wasn't another way.....and that is how I feel.......and as I sit here today.......45 years old......divorced.......there is peace in my soul......fire in my belly.......and acceptance in my heart......divorce is not something that ANYBODY sets out to achieve......or have come and find them.......there is not a soul on this earth that stands in front of all their friends and family, with love in their heart and excitement on their face, pledging their life and love to another......that wants to end up here.....or even imagines it.....It was not an option nearly 16 years ago for me.......but yet......it was most definitely intended to be part of my journey on this earth.....I believe that.....my marriage served as a beautiful space once upon a time......a place that nurtured me in the ways I needed.....a place that taught me how to care for others......to be a good wife......a place that gave me the two humans I love the most on this whole earth.....a place where I learned to love a man fiercely for so many years, a place that taught me to give my all......go all in......no matter what......a place where I learned to be loyal and strong......a place that held me for 20 years.......and when that marriage finally pushed me out of its nest.........it taught me how to fly....and that is exactly what I plan on doing from here on out......as I thank it for its gifts and move on a free and whole woman.....:)
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