I struggled some yesterday.....a situation that happened felt very much like betrayal and brought me back to that space for a couple of hours.....and reminded me of the lack of loyalty and honesty that can exist in the world......and it was tough......it poked all my sleeping dogs......made me feel as if I may very well be the only person I can fully count on in this life forever.......I have mentioned before that my loyalty is to excess, I understand that.....I am fiercely loyal to the people in my life and they can count on me forever and ever, once I become friends with somebody or fall for them it takes some huge situation to change that.....sometimes to my detriment no doubt..........I have been that way all of my life......pledging my loyalty to others over and over again, and often not getting the same in return......and it sucks.....and hurts......and makes me really dig deep inside of myself and see how I feel about that......should I expect my level of loyalty from others??......should I dare to dream that it exists??? and if I am in this world there must be other fiercely loyal people too??......I am lucky to have some in my life for sure......people that I have known forever that have walked in all the seasons of my life and willing to show up over and over again.......but I have definitely had my fair share of betrayal too......and most recently some of it stemming from my choosing to walk in my truth......and I am committed to that, plain and simple......this walk I am on is bigger than me......that is not to be dramatic or make it more grandiose.......in my mind it feels very true......I was led and called to take what has happened to me and use it to help others......it is that simple.....and from the beginning it was my inclination to put it out there and make it a public story in the hopes of doing that.....and it has.....and what many people don't realize is that while I have always been an open and honest person about what was going on in my life for the most part.....putting this story out there was not so easy......it was a brave step and I had to summon some courage.......and I counted on people having opinions about it.....but I did not count on losing people I thought were my friends as a result.......I figured anybody that truly knows me, knows me and the depth that I love, and the horror that had found me and understand the impact that must have all had......but maybe we feel like people understand us better than they do? I am starting to think that is true.......so as I sat with some uncomfortable feelings related to betrayal it made me realize, that I am committed to my journey one hundred and ten percent......no matter what......there is no turning back in my mind......and no regrets about anything I have done so far.......so there it is......crystal clear to me despite it not always being crystal clear to others........so yesterday was about honoring my complicated feelings and letting them come and be seen and felt.....sitting with them and in them..........and today is about letting them all go and continuing on the path that has been set for me and walking that path faithfully each and every day........no matter what........
jperuso
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