This is a tough one...............I have touched on it a few times in my blogs......but it deserves another look.........because it is so BIG..........Like how can I ever trust myself? I was deceived in such deep ways. Such elaborate deception.........and so often.........and though I had developed an intuition as time went on......one that told me when I was being lied to or when my husband was hiding something......there was still much that got by me and certainly the finale totally eluded me, the fact that it could even happen.....the fact that he had been thinking of leaving .......the fact that his affair was a threat to our marriage.......so sometimes I feel overwhelmed at the thought of laying trust out in the world again to anybody......I am a trusting soul......it is my nature.......I normally believe that people say what they mean.......mean what they say......I guess because I do........but we all know better.......and to have "my person" deceive me so elaborately, so endlessly, and selfishly............I just cannot imagine how on earth I will be able to use my intuition or my mind again to know if something is safe for me or if it means to cause harm.......and it almost makes me want to weep........what a terrible place to put another human........like truly, shame on him......I told him the truth every day for 20 years.......every single day........I don't deceive.........manipulate.......hide........I am who I am on any given day in all of it.......even if it is not my best.......or can be a lot.......or intense.......I am me.......and to deceive another is not in me........so when you have been traumatized as I have been........and I most certainly have sustained trauma, multiple times at the hands of his deception............it is daunting to imagine a way back.....at least as it pertains to trusting.......so as I sit here I just wonder........wonder if I can ever extend trust to anybody again.....will I always wonder, will it always plague me, the "what ifs", the doubt, will it destroy anything I ever try and touch again in my life.......sometimes it feels better to just think of myself on my own forever.......not needing to extend trust to anybody but me......and I have certainly established that I CAN TRUST myself.......yeah yeah I know that isn't healthy.......and that that isn't necessarily a solution, but it feels good to know that it is an option.........this theme recurs over and over for me, the doubt of my ability to trust and the scars that have been left behind......and I know time may help it.......but my trust issues run deep I can feel them coursing through every fiber of my being every time something triggers them to come forward.....and they feel like weights to carry........and I hope I learn to carry them better........maybe one day be able to set them down and put them behind me......but for today I will acknowledge their existence, give them a voice, and understand they are a part of this..........they just are..........
jperuso
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