Our custody stuff is still up in the air and complicated at best due to many factors.....but at some point the sharing of holidays is inevitable......and even though many moms and dads have faced it before me, I hate the thought of it......like not enough words when I try and imagine there will be a Christmas one day that my kids won't be with me.......cannot even fathom it......and it seems so unfair again.....that I am thrust into this awful spot as their mom......against my will..........and I know I will find a way to make it work, and make it as good as I can, albeit not taking place when it is supposed to......but it is hard to think of......yesterday was the first Halloween riding solo with the kids, my mom joining, which I was grateful for. It didn't sting too badly, I truly did do a lot of stuff with the kids alone even when he was here......but it was still another transition.....another me and the kids thing......newly invented.....they got to see their dad Saturday which was great......they all had a great day......he got them some really cool and nice things for them......they were excited......and it is in those moments.....the ones where we are transferring our children to each other......that the reality is so stark......that it is so real.....and strange......and maybe I won't get used to that part either.....sharing my kids with the guy that brought them here with me.....that put me in the position to have to share them....another hard part......and my goal is to just try and keep an open mind.....to try and reimagine normal.....and accept that ours won't look like anybody else's anymore.....and that what we eventually come up with, will be best for all of us.....that the kids will adjust......and it will just be their new way of life........Madeline broke down a few times this weekend about missing her dad again.....and when she does......I can see how deeply her heart is broken....it is heartbreaking......she is pretty good most of the time.....but her pain rides right underneath the surface......living in her heart......just as mine does sometimes.......and I held her and told her it was OK to be sad.....and that it is so sad.....and that my heart will always hurt too and Gabe's does too..... and that daddy's heart is likely hurting too........and she seemed to like that, it made her feel better to know she wasn't alone in having her heart hurt......that we all hurt too........and we talked about her feelings and honored them all.....and then she was Ok again.......this was most definitely her first enormous life heartache.....one that will walk with her all of her days......and I have learned to accept that I cannot shield my children from all of the pain in life and the things that come to find us in life......as much as I wish I could.......their journey is theirs and meant for them, as mine is mine......what I can do is support them, every single step of it, and help them learn to navigate what comes their way to the best of my ability......so I am trying to not let these parts get me down.....they are what they are.....this is my new reality.....and I am a problem solver by nature.....so when our visitation gets settled.....and I need to become more creative about bringing the joy of holidays to my children on a different timetable.....I will......and it will be just as special......just as significant......and nobody can take that part from me indeed:)
jperuso
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