His affair..........

The last three years of my life were colored by my husband's affair.......the initial finding out....the thinking it was over.......the subsequent finding out and then his leaving.....and it is hard to put into words just how destructive an affair can be to everybody involved but it is insanely destructive......in the initial finding out and knowing, I was devastated and hungry for a chance to save my marriage.....sure that I must have contributed in some way and wanting an opportunity to "fix it".......feeling really responsible for his actions and what he had done.....and still deeply in love with my husband and wanting it to work.......and just absolutely devastated that he would do something like that to me....something I never would have expected......from him.....not ever.......I truly would have put a million dollars on the fact that he would never have strayed......and in the process since the discovery I have learned that his desire to have an affair.......his continuing to live in deception and lies despite what he was telling me.....what we were working toward.......had NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.......anybody that is reading this that has been betrayed........I want you to really HEAR THAT.....it has/had nothing to do with you.......NOTHING.........and when I say that for the last three years I tried as hard as I could to save my marriage, it is the absolute truth......and living in the shadow of that affair made it nearly impossible to really function.....and do it really well......... yet I tried like hell.......I forgave him, offered him compassion in the mess he had made in our lives......treated him with respect and love, not rubbing his nose in what he had done......took a step in deep faith that we could climb this mountain and watch the sunrise.....hand in hand.......finding our rainbow on the other side......I truly believed that.......now I know better......looking back I am not sure there is a way I could have ever felt safe in my marriage again.....I thought I could work toward that......find it again.......as we did therapy.....as I believed he was telling the truth.....building trust again........but now I am not sure that exists.....it is hard to explain how it feels to always believe your husband loves you deeply, and you are number one to him in all the ways, and to feel that from him.... and then to feel that dynamic change.......it is most unnerving to have to question any of that.......ever......especially with "your person".......and looking back it was taking a deep toll on me.....one I hadn't even realized was so profound......it was increasing my anxiety.....making me feel more agitated on and off than I had ever felt in my life......making me have this constant feeling of unease humming in the background of my life......making me feel tired and drained......all the while I was focused on bailing our boat at a feverish pace and I truly thought he was doing that with me.....and that it was noble what we were trying to do......and in the last three years we had some of the best times of our marriage and the worst.......in the shadow of his affair.......and it put an enormous amount of stress on our lives, on our marriage, and our lives......and even in that I was willing to see the other side, and see us through that and find our way........however there was no "way" to be found......I am told by my therapist that you can recover from an affair.....he has seen success stories.......quite a few times in his practice......but I am skeptical.....which is normally not my nature.......but in this my skepticism is fierce......I tend to believe once that trust.......that sacred space between people has been violated so deeply.....there is likely never a way back......not really.......not fully......not in a way that can bring deep peace back to the heart of the betrayed......and maybe I am wrong.......I hope I am.......because in my travels over the last couple of years I have seen a lot of people in this situation and they are giving it a go.....and I pray they find that peace again.......that soft place to land that once was....... they were betrayed so deeply.....I really do......as for me I won't ever tolerate this again in my life......not ever........the next person I give my heart to won't have a second chance if they decide to betray my heart and the gift of my love......although I am praying they won't even be capable of it in the first place.......