I think the most startling thing for me as I travel this journey is having the hindsight I do now......there are so many things I see clearly now that I just didn't then......so many things mostly centered around the last few years of our marriage but really all along in some ways, that were things I didn't realize or notice at the time......when the love light is on in somebody for you.....many things can be overlooked......or explained away......or tolerated......but when that light goes out.......and the "in love" feelings leave......those things step forward into the light of day.....into clear focus......I stand by what I had said....a good portion of my marriage was lovely, and sweet, and we adored each other....... and we were a great team and in love for a good number of years......but stuff crept in.....slowly at first and maybe more quickly as time marched on....and they are not things that I want in my life......not anymore.....and in thinking on it....I guess because I didn't really know myself then......or didn't really love myself then.....those things became OK.......you can't strive for better till you know better right? And now it is sort of shocking to me that I put up with much of what I did......like really shocking......and it is so strange to think of ........because it was my life.....a life I loved......and cherished.....and was grateful for each and every day.....my family of four lit me up......nothing better in my mind.....yet.....those things.......the things I didn't notice.....or if I did......I just accepted.....they were eating away at me slowly......creating anxiety and angst in me.......feeling heavy for me to carry......and I was willing........because I believed it was the price of love......of forever love to carry those things.....and maybe that is a little true because none of us are perfect......I know I certainly am not......but I guess what I am referring to are things that can't be lived with......not in a healthy way anyway......and I feel really blessed that at 45 years old......I get to start again at some point.....with another man......with the benefit of that hindsight.......what a glorious gift......I know that love clouds that vision........softens it......but I am committed to keeping my eyes open......and looking out for those things again.....the things that didn't serve me or bring out the better sides of me......the things that provoked my anxiety.....my unease......my discomfort.......and I won't do any of that again.....prefer to go it alone.......and as the days wander on......more and more epiphanies come to me.....and more understanding of he and I......and where I went wrong and where he did too......and it feels sad and tragic sometimes but really it just is........my soul had outgrown his......our souls were no longer matched.......no longer suited to travel together......it is crystal clear to me.....we have both changed so much it would likely be weird if we had an extended conversation......like two strangers.......and that is OK.....where I am headed he is not.....and I have reached the part of this that accepts that fully.......the love light is extinguished.......fully......and I am free of that and able to move on in my life and have been for quite sometime.......I am grateful for that......it would have been much harder if I had been fiercely loving him all this time but I have been spared that.......partly due to his actions and showing me something in him that I don't identify with at all.......that I don't like even a little bit........so it is easier because of that.......easier to break free.......My kids ask me all the time if I miss him.......and I don't........but I don't want to hurt them by saying it.....so what I say is "I will always love your dad........the time we spent together, and with the two of you were some of the most special times of my life.......I will carry that in my heart all of my life".......and that is not a lie.........it is the truth I can give to them.......
jperuso
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