Hindsight......

Hindsight is both a blessing and a curse.....I have had the power of hindsight find me over and over in this story and it continues to.....bringing clarity to spaces, and lighting them up....but I guess sometimes it can feel challenging living forward, with that hindsight in tow.....because the hindsight I have gained has given me such clarity.....and a standard of the moving forward that can be challenging.......because once you SEE, really SEE, you can't unsee.....and there are certain standards for my life now, that I am not willing to settle on in any area......I am not willing to have shitty friends.....ones I cannot trust, and ones that don't reciprocate my energy......ones that have my back and don't betray me......I am not willing to be in a relationship either that doesn't have those hallmarks......romantic or otherwise......my standards for the people in my life has elevated for sure......and it is hard....hard to know what is reasonable and what isn't......nobody is perfect, and my desire to have somebody, is not what I am speaking to......this year I believe will be one of change in my life, and it will have me get really intentional about what I want.....there have been many things in my nature that I have had to overcome to continue to grow......my nature is to forgive, to let go, and to let slide and let........fill in the blank......and while I love that about me some.....I never hang onto resentment or ick.....or hold stuff against somebody......it gets me taken advantage of.....so I guess it is the forever dance between those two things.....growing and maintaining some of the ease of my nature....an example of the extent of that in me was that even when my ex had his affair.....and I found out, and thought we were working on it.....I really did not hold that inside against him in a real sense.....and I mean that.......it would hit me sometimes in a moment, I might look at him and think how could you do that to ME????? But I was never snarky or edgy or nasty about it, and I didn't feel that......I truly believed at the time that people fall down, and redemption is for everybody.....so that is what I mean....that part of my nature is deep and wide.....so when I have SEEN so many things so clearly......knowing what I can no longer do in this life, what I don't have time to in my second act;-) in the different parts of my life, it sometimes feels like great responsibility to myself maybe as I type this.....not betraying myself anymore.....without being hyper vigilant.....or unrealistic, so this year will be an evolution methinks of where I want to land in so many places in my life.....and in letting hindsight lead me but not be a hinder me.....using it as another guiding system in my life to bring me to the places I belong, and away from any places that I don't:)