Hiding.........

I am always in awe of all I have learned in the last two years and continue to learn.....just powerful life lessons and universal truths on repeat......and one of them is about hiding......to hide means to put or keep out of sight; conceal from the view or notice of others. I have come to learn that hiding is one of the greatest issues facing relationships......there was a lot of hiding in my marriage......mostly by him, but me too.......I didn't hide things that were dishonest or would hurt him......or violated our marriage......my hiding mostly consisted of hiding parts of myself, or denying parts of me, or toning some stuff down.......because I feared fully being me.....and being "too much".......and those parts remained hidden for most of my marriage......and his hiding caused a lack of trust and him feeling like he couldn't bring all of himself out into the light either......fearing how I would feel about him, if I saw all of him in the sunlight.....and you know what, hiding is so so toxic to a relationship........it breeds so many unsavory feels.....like resentment and anxiety......breeding deception......doubt.........turmoil.....all of it....and so many people do it......very few people are totally honest with their partners and how they feel, like really feel.....about everything........even the hard stuff........and people are uncomfortable being themselves.....like fully themselves........and it is so tragic......because I think relationships would work so much better in that space......the freedom I have found in just being me, letting those who get it love me, and those who don't go, has been so powerful.....like riding down a boulevard on a motorcycle at top speed, wind in my hair, and a smile on my face:) truly powerful.......and it makes mc laugh to think of dating in my 20s.....everybody on their best behavior.....best selves......landing a person under the guise of wooing them in the most flattering light......instead of being fully themselves.....and I am not sure how other middle aged folks feel, would actually be curious to know, but I am never hiding myself away again....for a first date, for a relationship......for a long term relationship.....for a marriage......any of it......I will be fiercely committed to being me, in every situation, for the rest of my days.......because I have learned it just won't work to hide.......it won't work long term.....and if you love somebody, then seeing them.....all of them.....it should not scare you away........I remember knowing that my ex had some significant challenges, and things that we were facing......and I was able to stand in that space with him and commit to trying.....trying to see him in his challenges and help him overcome them......and help our marriage survive it all......and that is how I want to be loved......like that.......where somebody sees me......all of me.....and cannot imagine their life without me in it;-) just loving and accepting all of me......even the parts I once hid away.....the parts I have yet to discover......the parts that still make me feel a little uncomfortable,,,,,,the parts I have always loved about myself, and the parts I have come to love and make peace with......all of it.......I seek to be loved by somebody in the ways I have loved others my whole life.....and the way I have learned to love myself:)