I have imagined COVID millions of times, spent a better part of three years figuring out ways to cohabitate with it in my life.... done my damndest to avoid it........finding creative ways to live around it, while still honoring my instincts to be careful on behalf of all of us, but most of all my boy.....yet here it is......and I have to say after the initial freak out piece and shock when I looked at the test.....I am feeling really calm now.....almost like relief.....I spent the beginning of the pandemic pretty consistently looking over my shoulder for it most of the time.....and it was exhausting....and then after Nick left, my energy toward it could not be the same and truthfully it didn't feel as big has it had before that.....bigger fish to fry so to speak....so as I began to make peace with my new journey without him I made peace with COVID to the best of my ability.....accepting that it was likely going to come to our door and knock one day.....kinda inevitable....not a matter of IF.....a matter of WHEN.....so I decided to latch onto what I could control.....exercise, hiking, and consistent vitamins, rest, etc......and let go of the rest..... the shift was a positive one.....it has allowed me to live the last year, really live without the invisible prison of the pandemic around me.....I have still desperately missed people, crowds, concerts, parties, all of it but the peace I found in the letting it go and not looking over my shoulder in the same way was freeing nonetheless......and now there feels like there is a new freedom in it being here.....nothing more to look out for.....here it is......so we have no choice but to face it.....as I knew we would need to......I have done some really big things to attempt to avoid this day while still knowing that the likelihood of us avoiding it was slim.....and I indeed feel stronger than I have in all of my life......so that feels good in facing the beast and staring it in its eye.......that I feel strong enough to face what comes in this next week, or few weeks.....but damn it is such a mind game.....the waiting to be sick.....right? Like so weird.....and I faced it last Christmas too.....eerily similar, the irony thick......Nick being in quarantine the entirety of Christmas break and New Years.....me alone.....waiting for us to get sick.......waiting to be sick, on my own with our kids, we had been exposed and we never did.....and now I am not sure about what any of that REALLY was anyway.......so flash forward a year and here we are again.....my boy sick and Mads and I in the waiting spot again......and I feel eerily calm......having surrendered so much this year and just accepted all that is.......and this is next in line to find my acceptance....and I have........COVID has been an enormous catalyst in my life in so many ways......bringing the gift of slowing my life down to do so many things with my kids that I previously didn't have time for......walking hundreds of miles.......doing amazing and creative things to avoid people and still have fun.......hearing our call to the woods......COVID quieted the noise around us so we could hear that call and take full advantage......helping us reprioritize our lives in a way that made so much more sense......so as I have said before nothing is just one way......all things are double edged.......and this is no different......I am so tired of this pandemic.....in all the ways.......but I don't think anybody can disagree that it has come bearing gifts and realizations in our lives......it just has......so for whatever reason it is here to visit myself and mine on Christmas, and I must accept what is.....and listen to what it has to teach me.......just as all the rest has.......and I am ready to do that......faith over fear every single step......grateful for all things.....Gabe is still feeling pretty mild symptoms this morning and Mads and I are still good, all my mama heart can hope for:)
jperuso
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