I remember early on......after he left marveling at the pain and damage that was left in his wake.....the damage in myself and in my children......and I almost couldn't comprehend that level of destruction, the destruction that another person can do to another.....had never had something so damaging come to find me.....and early on I decided that healing would be my responsibility, and that I would commit to it with all that I am........vowing to reclaim my life, and live a life on my terms, and heal in the places I need, to do just that......and I am......truly......every single day..........but healing is not linear......it isn't something you get to walk through and there is an end point......like 'Yay I am finished now!" all good......and yeah that feels kinda overwhelming.......because the truth is something very random and tiny can trigger what lives inside of us......and bring all of that pain to the surface.....like a whale living in our depths, coming to the surface to grab air and be seen......and in those moments it feels daunting......and when the whale comes and you are reminded of the depths of grief and of pain, it can feel discouraging......at least to me.....I tend to push myself some in lots of areas, and when I work so hard and am still subject to some of that, it makes me feel like it will all live inside of me forever......no matter what I do.....and I know that that is a lie.......because I know how much pain I have already walked through........and let go of.....and it is an enormous amount............and I have done so with as much bravery as I can muster each day......facing it all......standing in the face of the dragon......and choosing to move past each piece......to let it wash over me......feel it all......and then release what I can......surrendering to its existence.......but seeking to alchemize it as much as I can........and healing as become a part of my life......like a whole part.....a whole other job......like being a mother......a teacher.....a life coach......all of it.......healing is my job....it is my responsibility......the gift I give to my children alongside helping them heal too......not wanting them to look back and feel their mother was damaged or broken in some way for good.......wanting to raise them intentionally and carefully.....now that is not to say they haven't seen my pain.....because they have.....and it is healthy to do so......to allow everybody to feel.....but much of what I think deep down and feel is obviously not for them to carry.....that is my work to do.......and yesterday a situation happened, that reminded me of something that I must just accept......for now.......and it brought the whale up.......and rattled my cage......and the truth is I wanted to crawl in my bed.......but knew that going in nature would be the better choice.......to sit there, right on a rock in the stream.....and let the sights and smells wash over me.......and help me process some and find a better mindset for the whale of the day........and you know what it worked.....I immediately felt better.......the minute I set foot among the trees.......and this morning I will lift and workout in my new flow.....and that will help too.....I will also meditate...........I did do yoga yesterday:) It will take some getting used to......it is not as hard of a workout, and I have become accustomed to that now, and so has my body....and it will be an adjustment, like meditation ........but I am committed to sticking to it....and finding the gifts within that practice also.........and so healing is not a straight line......it is a zig zag at best......or a 10 step forward 3 back kinda vibe.......and that is OK.......because I think healing is one of the most noble things we can attempt to do in this life.......because not healing feels easier......numbing it out.....not feeling.....running from it.....all of it....but it is not easier in the long run......this is what I have come to learn.....you cannot outrun pain and suffering.....not forever......so I am glad I have chosen to face what has come and moved along the healing highway......and while it may never fully go away......I know that up ahead there are brighter days......and more days in between my catching a glimpse of that whale.........I know that........and I have faith and hope in that each and every day......just one step in front of the other.....looking back and marveling at the distance I have traveled.....and feeling proud of it all.......onward and upward I go.......
jperuso
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