Healing.........

When I watched the video of my speech there were a few things that stuck out to me.....the first one was the fact that I was standing up straight.....might seem like a silly thing but to me it isn't......most of my life my posture has been something that has bothered me.....I have had pictures or video captured of me slouching, especially up top on my shoulders...and I have always been really conscious of it......so to watch me give a speech and stand up straight without even trying was kind of something.....and originally I guess I thought that posture comes from an anatomical place.......strength in your core......strength in your back......the way you stand all of it......and I definitely am attributing some of the strength training I do to my newfound better posture......which is such an exciting byproduct of the work I put in every day......but more than that I think there is an emotional thing about posture......like literally feeling beaten down.....or stressed...... or sad..........causing your shoulders to sag and your posture to take on the shape of your internal struggle......so that may also be a factor in my newfound ability to stand up straight.......the second thing I noticed in watching that video is I did not cry......not even a hint of tears......and that is another remarkable thing for me to behold.......I haven't been able to tell my story, until Friday without my voice breaking some......and for me to stand there and tell it and not even feel like crying, or fighting back tears........shows me I am healing in a real way......all the effort I have poured into that cause this year, is paying off........I am finding my way to the other side of all of it......in a real........ and healthy........ and healed way......now I also know that deep inside of me there lies profound grief and trauma.......and it is still likely much more raw than I would believe or want it to be, and as I have said before......perhaps it will live in me always......I know that this blog helps me relieve the pressure......it helps me to release pain every single day.......like a pressure valve......emptying my soul of things I no longer need to carry around inside......gives my heart and soul a voice.......and I credit most of my healing to this blog.....the other part to therapy and doing it every single week......sorting my emotions, my trauma and moving forward.........and I suppose also the love I do give to myself.....I meant that in my speech.....that has been an enormous game changer.....to pour into myself so that I am not pouring into my life with an empty cup.......the value of that cannot be minimized.....it is so crucial.......for YEARS I was running on fumes.......nothing in the tank.....and in society we believe it is OK.....there are jokes about the sacrifices that moms make for the greater good and how depleted they are......and truth is, as moms we do......I know I have in my life and continue to in my new life......but the truth is it doesn't need to be one or the other......it is not you are a good mom OR you love yourself, not both......that is just crazy talk.....you can do both! AND YOU SHOULD.........I am a better mom in so many ways now that my cup is overflowing.......my mood is better......my patience wider........my happiness larger......all of it........so healing to me is all of those things.........all those pieces coming together to help me move forward in a real way.......and I am taking a moment to celebrate how far I have come........and I am looking ahead to a future that is bright and full of promise, carrying the lessons I have learned with me every step of the way......