I am grateful that the kids and I made it to the part of this story we are living in now......that the dust has settled some and we have found our way, and that our days are filled with more joy than sadness, more hope than despair, and more peace than turmoil........but.......sometimes it bothers me beyond words that he will never truly know what he did to the three of us.....never understand the pain and suffering he caused, never truly get it......because he wasn't around for any of it........especially in the beginning..........he just wasn't...........almost like a hit and run........leaving us there at the scene of the accident without so much as a glance over his shoulder.......he will also never fully understand what he has done to me.......or the hurt he has inflicted upon my soul........unless it happens to him someday...........sometimes I believe that some of the horror comes to find him, that it visits him in a moment and he understands the change he has orchestrated in my heart, in our children's hearts........but the true weight and reality of what has been put on our shoulders, I am not sure that will ever find him.........doesn't seem fair somehow right? I keep wishing there was a way to get him to fully understand it.......but I am not sure there is a way, and not sure what I would hope to find in that understanding.......accomplish in the knowing he knows........Validation? Remorse? Acknowledgement? Revenge? I really don't know, but some days it feels so important and others not important at all........and then it always leads me to thinking what the weight of his actions feel like on him.........what do they look like to him? How does it feel to carry that around in his day to day......for myself and the kids we were the casualties of the hit and run, which in my mind I would take over and over again versus being the cause of the hit and run.........with as much pain as I have endured I could never live with what he is living with.........not ever..........from all the reading I have done.......the looking at other's stories similar to mine, it doesn't look promising that the person really gets it.......not in a profound way....not in a life changing way........a way that has the potential to carry healing and peace to all parties involved........so I don't stay in the space of holding out for that understanding to come to find him to often........but it is a quiet prayer in my heart.........a place where I just hope he does.......but that prayer and hope comes with the knowledge that even if he tries, even if he is brave enough, he will never truly know what he has done........because he doesn't know the depth of the love I carried for him.........the way it ran through me, through every piece of me......the way it accepted him, and hoped for him, and cared for him, and what it felt like to have that destroyed.......he won't ever know that.......he won't ever know how his children adored him, respected him, felt safe with him.......and now.......well they are not as sure of those things.........except the loving their dad part.......they sure do........so it leads me to the notion that we never really know what we do to others, what consequences our actions have to the people in our lives......and how much care we should really have when it comes to the impact we make in this world......just so much care........because the only thing that matters in this life, above all else is how we treat others......especially those that love us.......and the legacy we leave behind......
jperuso
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