Grief is such a complicated process. It has so many layers. All of them visiting and overlapping and receding and coming again.......on repeat over and over again.....and because of the crazy circumstances in my situation, I don't have the opportunity to interact or speak to him often.....and truly have no idea what his grief process has looked like in the last 9 months, and despite it all I am curious......since we are grieving the same losses.....of the same life.....and I think of all the work I have had to do to get where I am and I think about all the stuff that he has avoided and wonder where he is able to put it all? It make me wonder if it depends on who somebody is and how grief comes to find them? Or does it find all of us no matter what? It is an interesting thing to think of .......can you avoid grief, drown it.....bury it......all of it? I am not sure I would know how to get rid of it. I remember in the beginning feeling like the pain of it all was too much to carry, taking my breath away.....wondering how I was going to be able to endure it? Waking up in the night and praying aloud for strength to endure it all......night after night......day after day.......did he escape all of that? Having faced none of it.......I wonder that sometimes......I wonder if one day we will talk about our experiences in the first year after the end...... what that year looked like for both of us....or maybe not.......I am grateful to be in the better parts of grief......they are only moments now......often times unexpected.....but I don't live in them....and doing the work I have done......in therapy and otherwise to get to where I am now, has been the single most important thing I have done in all my life......it has saved me......I knew in those excruciating days that slowly but surely the days would become more bearable if I just kept putting one foot in front of the other.......being brave enough to walk in it......to stand in the pain.....to not try to avoid it in any way........even though I wished I could.......there were days I just wanted a break from it, even for a moment......and the break wasn't found in those early days......it was all day and night, constant pain and suffering......until it wasn't........and so I know that we must go through all of that so we can find our way out of grief.....and truly move on in our lives......and it makes me wonder when it will hit him.......fully.......I am not sure you can avoid the process of grief.....of his losing me......his marriage......his kids..........his life......can you just not look at that really? I am not sure? I have wondered it before and continue to wonder what he does to not touch it.......wonder how he is able to do that? I see glimpses sometimes of his grief.......and have all along but wonder about the rest......can't help but wonder......in the meantime I am owning mine.......honoring it and listening to it in every way......and appreciating the relief I have found from it most days.......committing to this process fully and with an open heart......
jperuso
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