So I think of this a lot.....I have always loved mothering.....from the moment Gabe was born, he became my priority, and my life began to form around him and being his mom....and I think I did really well for many years being a happy and present mama.....but under the cloud that had recently landed in our marriage, on the wings of his affair.....the last couple of years were a struggle for me......to be a happy mom all the time with all that stuff running in the background....and feeling anxious and stressed all the time.....going through parts where I was just so so heartbroken and sad, and it was just a struggle to put one foot in front of the other after the fallouts......so all of it colored the mom I was being.....even though I tried whenever I could to separate it......it was one of the things I used to express to him..... his actions and how it affected us and me........how that was unfair to our kids......the struggle it was for me to rise above that on top of it all to step forward for them the way they needed me......when he left in January he not only gifted me with a new life, but he also gifted the kids with a new mom......after the deep sadness and tears began to come less and less.....the sun came out.......and my kids have gotten to have a really happy mama.....a present one.....one that has fun with them and is light and easy.....not frustrated or overwhelmed......or tired......or anything......just happy......and I think that among the gifts that this horror brought into our lives this one......... is one of my favorites.......that I can feel really good about all my actions and all of my interactions with them......because under the cloud of the affair I didn't always feel that way.....and it wasn't fair to any of us.....and somehow I believed that if he stayed we really would find our way to a day where his affair didn't color every part of our life.....but I think I know now that was impossible.......I don't think I could have ever fully felt free of that weight.....and ever saw him fully the way I used to....I tried so hard I really did.....and I felt like I did at certain points......that I could forget......put it past us.....but I just don't think I would have been able to.....and it would always have carried a heaviness for me and found its way out into my life......and so now I GET TO feel LIGHT.....FREE......AIRY.....no chains......no tethers......no nothing........and it feels amazing......and it makes me excited for all the adventures that happy light mama can have with her kids.....the places we can go to......the hikes we can find......the adventures that await.....the normal Tuesday nights in our home....that are easy and light and fun......no drama no nonsense.....no heaviness.......life changing........I keep using that word.....but I so mean it.....what has happened......has been life changing........and in all the best ways......my kids lost a lot the night he left in certain ways......and some of what they lost needed to be lost......needed to not be a part of their story anymore.......but what they gained that night is greater.......and for that I am so so grateful:)
jperuso
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