Sometimes I feel like I should own a part of Father's Day in this chapter.....because while my kids see their dad every other weekend, and on Wednesday nights for dinner......I do most of the heavy lifting of being both the mother and the father in my household......it is just a fact.....and I never worry...... and wonder at times if I should be more concerned about the impact not having a dad around all the time will have on my kids......I learned in one of our trauma trainings that divorce and all the rest, doesn't count as one of the ACES of trauma if the kids have a solid grown up in their lives full time.....and I think I am that for my kids definitely :) But.......it still it hurts my heart for them that they will grow up without a full time dad in their lives.....and while with the gift of hindsight I now have, knowing that my household is healthier this way....for everybody......I wish the story had gone in a different direction......yesterday Mads called me from her dad's house......feeling homesick for her mama.....crying for me, and it broke my heart....nothing was wrong, she was just missing home.....I sang "You are my Sunshine" to her....our version, and talked to her, and she was feeling better when we got off......and the fact that she has to split her time with her parents makes me so sad.....it was never what I wanted for them......and I am not sure under most divorce situations how it can't be, that the primary parent does more of the heavy lifting in parenthood......it just is......and I wouldn't have it any other way.....my kids belong with me most of the time....I am their mother.....and the bond we have is fierce.....and they are my reason and my world.......and it is never my intention to go out in the world and find a dad for them lol:) That concept is funny to me somehow....and maybe because I feel so equipped to be both for them.....and they have male role models in their lives some.....and positive ones at that, which makes me happy for them in the space between getting to see their dad.....but I am starting to see the distance that is happening between them and their dad, due to the sheer amount of time they don't spend with him.....and it hurts my heart for all of them......I see a time when the kids may decide they don't want to go because their life is here......and maybe I need to be more intentional about this part of it for them.....but from all appearances my kids have adapted, and are happy and healthy......and I know this will impact them forever.....but I am hoping that when they look back they will look back with fondness, and see the role I played when our lives fell apart, and how I did my best to pick up the pieces, and hold us back together in the best way I knew how to! And realizing how fiercely loved they were.........Happy Father's Day to all the single moms out there, doing double duty! Doing it tired, scared, broke, alone, and with love and commitment in their hearts! EVERY DAY! I SALUTE YOU! Happy Father's Day to US! :):):):)
jperuso
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