Yesterday Mads said " let's do that as a family".......then she stopped herself and said well as part of a family.....or half of a family......and while I knew what she was getting at, I wanted her to elaborate and it broke my heart for her to say that......she said well our family doesn't have a dad so we are not quite a family, but we are a part of one.....she is really articulate and good at expressing what she is feeling, she has come a long way and it makes me happy for her.....such an important skill.......Gabe was there yesterday too in this conversation.....agreeing with his sister's assessment of the situation......and I said guys we are not part of a family.....families look different all over the world.....some have a mom and kids.....some have a dad and kids....some have a mom and mom and kids.....some have a dad and dad and kids......some have a mom and dad and kids......some have just a man and wife.....some have grandparents and kids or aunts and uncles or kids......or adopted parents and kids.....so many different ways for people to be a family......and just because we no longer have a dad in our story doesn't mean we are any less of a family.....I said actually guys do you what the only thing you need in a family??? They looked wide eyed at me.....and I said love....that's it....and we have plenty of that here right?? They both agreed.......then Mads grinned and told me she loved me....I am hoping as she continues that she starts to feel like we are still a family.....it took me a minute to get my head around that part too and to feel like a family with a member gone......but I have since adjusted and believe deeply that my family is not any less real or significant than any other one......as I said above Mads is wildly astute and the other day she brought up my dating some day and shared her unwillingness to even consider such a thing......so finally I asked her and asked her to help me understand why her dad and his having a girlfriend is not in the same category as myself and the potential for a boyfriend one day.....and she said because she doesn't live with us.....if you had a boyfriend he would live here and what if you liked him more than us......and I thought ahh.....proud of her for articulating her truth......free enough to tell me, and having a valid thought process to journey along.....so I said, Mads I get that totally, but there would have to be so many things that would need to happen for another man to live here......and the most important one would be yours and your brother's approval and liking him as much as I do.....if that doesn't happen then he won't be here, I can promise you.......and maybe nobody will ever live her and I can have a boyfriend that lives in his house and we live in ours......we don't know what the future holds Mads......but know I will never like anybody more than I do your brother and you.......that is a promise......she seemed satisfied with that:) Such complicated territory at times but I am so grateful that my kids can talk to me and we can work through these issues as they come.....putting them to rest one by one!
jperuso
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