I wrote a bit ago about my Mads and the struggles she is finding lately.....my gut says that it is separation anxiety triggered by a situation with some girls at school, she has expressed as much, saying she feels nervous since that day, however that situation has since resolved......I also think what is going on is mixed with her residual grief and big emotions surrounding all that has happened in her own little life in the last two years.......and it hurts me......and makes me feel guilty and sad that her life is so different now, and that it requires so much of her......requires her to be fierce and brave.......flexible......resilient........stronger than she should need to be at 6......and I never wanted that for her.......my life had required me at certain points to be those things, and I did not want all of that for her......... and not yet.......yet here we are.......yesterday made it even more clear and in my face.......prior to her getting sick she was doing better in the mornings......she is so wise and mature and can articulate that she knows she is going to be fine during the day, and that it will be OK.....but she just can't help these feelings that come up as she goes into school......and consistency is key.....and that is what is so hard and makes me feel so guilty right now.......I cannot offer her that.....our mornings are subject to change, and our schedule is too......based on whoever can step in to help.......the original family that was taking her to school this year could not do it anymore......and I found another ride for her....so after her being home sick last week and going back for the first time yesterday was the first day with the new ride......and it created panic and upset in her.....she doesn't know the mom really well......and I don't either, but they are very nice, a single mom and her daughter too.....and the desire to reach out to her, came very intuitively to me when I was stuck for a ride......and I feel it will be really great for us all.....but the initial moment yesterday morning.......broke my heart......I am not a mom that wants to throw my kids into situations.......to fly by the seat of our pants......I want them to feel safe and secure......and I know they do in my care for sure, but to make our school work dance work, it requires some of that and it is hard for Mads.....so yesterday she panicked, then rallied, summoning her brave and her calm and I was so proud of her, but alongside that pride my heart broke a little.....not wanting her to have to be fierce.....to be so strong.....not yet:( I told her how brave she was and how resilient she is.....we had a big talk about resilience and how it is the secret sauce......what we lean on when life comes to find us......it is the way......the way to the other side of whatever comes......and I just think if all this hadn't happened she may have more stability in the before and after school stuff and feel safer and calmer......but single mom life requires different stuff......and I don't blame myself for it, as I did not put us here.......but it still pangs my mama heart with guilt.......however ultimately I know that all the new challenges we face, the three of us, will be the ones that shape our futures.......creating ways for us to learn and grow......and it will all be for the greater good......she earned two badges yesterday at school and told me that she pushed herself out of her comfort zone to get one of them, and that if we don't push ourselves out of our comfort zones we never grow.....:) I said indeed my wise Gilly girl, I love you more than you will ever know........you are such a special little human and I am beyond blessed to call you mine:)
jperuso
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