I know right? Who knew such a thing could exist? I am grateful to her for two reasons......the first one being that without her existence, without what happened.....I wouldn't have gotten to live the life I am now......I mean perhaps we would have ended another way, or at some point, I will never know that answer......but no question her presence in this story, served as a strong catalyst for me to be sitting right here......right in this spot.....typing a blog I love.....sitting in the quiet peace of the morning, excited and inspired about life again, feeling peace in my heart and fire in my soul.......I know I express it over and over again.....but I am not sure that words exist that can truly convey the difference I feel in my life now versus before......I feel ALIVE.......in nearly every single way......not just surviving.....or trudging......or fighting and working so hard to maintain a minimum space......now effortlessly, I can occupy whatever magical places in life that I want to......with none of the struggle......I am so used to practicing gratitude after all these years of doing so......that it touches my heart often and deeply......and gratitude touches my heart for her lately.....even after it all.......gratitude comes saying, that despite my hurt......despite the suffering I endured......despite the implosion of all I held dear........I was truly set FREE......like somebody set the prison I was in on fire, and once I spent months finding my way out, like a sequel to "Die Hard," that when I finally did, what was outside the walls was more beautiful than I could have ever imagined......breathtakingly so.......something I never even knew existed.......so the struggle to free myself from all of that was worth it, and my heart beats gratitude to her, for that........and sometimes I want to express that to her......and maybe I will......maybe it is part of this journey for me.......as my forgiveness and the ability to do so finds me.......maybe finding my way to this grateful spot is like forgiveness......sometimes it feels that way.......I will say that the feelings I once held for her, have diminished greatly......there is not so much heat in them.......not much at all.......I do not feel so strongly about any of it anymore.......I feel much lighter......more accepting........less affected by all of it......an understanding has come to find me.......and it is finding a way to settle in, in me.......so yes I feel gratitude to her for her role in freeing my soul to live this life......and the other thing I feel grateful for, is how she is with my kids.......I have watched it now for a few months as they do their visitation........and through my kid's attitudes and expressions upon their return......and they are happy.......and she is good to them.......taking good care of them when I am not with them.......looking out for them, doing nice things for them and with them..........and what else can I say about that........that is all I could hope for......they have grown to feel comfortable with her........and none of that bothers me.......it truly doesn't......I am keenly aware that it could be worse.....a totally different situation.......and my kids could be feeling all kinda ways that I would not want them to.......so again gratitude steps forward........and understanding.......and my mama bear is soothed by her actions toward my children.......and I am grateful for that.......that is a fact......one I cannot deny.........I have always believed that gratitude, true gratitude, that resides deep in your heart, is one of the biggest game changers in this life........a grateful heart is a magnet for miracles......no question......and I suppose what I wrote about today may qualify as a miracle too.......it sorta feels that way to me........
jperuso
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