The other night when Madeline was upset on Facetime and I could tell he was suffering because of it......feeling the weight of it......the weight of his actions......it occurred to me that that moment is a grain of sand in comparison to the beach's worth of pain and suffering I have endured for the last 3 plus years.......a grain of sand......and I don't doubt some pain has found him as a result of what he has chosen......since he has been gone....I am sure he must have had moments........I still feel like I know his heart, despite what I see.........so I know he hasn't been able to escape it, but the amount of pain the both of us has endured is not equal by any means.....the horrors I have had to endure......at his hands .........have been endless.....and again I don't share this to whine and lament.....just to marvel at the injustice......the fact that there is no way he will ever understand.......he never will......and even though I consider myself to be adept with words, both written, and spoken.......I will never be able to make him understand what he has done......the painful spaces I have stood in with our children......ones I thought would break me......or kill me from pain for them.......on repeat.......and my own pain.......to have the person I loved most besides my children.......betray me in some of the worst and cunning ways.......just so many lies and deception......so so much........hard to believe still.......so while I did not rejoice in Madeline's pain......I was aware that it was about time that they share something with him......they have not wanted to say much, or share much of their pain with him......not wanting to hurt him or make him feel bad......they are both so sweet.....such amazing kids......so they keep their feelings close, and don't say nearly as much as they say to me.......and while I understand.....it seems so unfair.......because it is the worst part......the worst by far......I often say I would have endured what he did to me 10 times over, if I could have skipped watching their pain, while being totally helpless in it........like watching them being hit by a bus and not able to call 911, just watching them bleed out.......brutal doesn't even come close to describing how it felt.......how it still feels when their pain surfaces......and I know it will never be fully understood by him......what he has brought to us.....by his hands.......and some days I can accept that, and some days I wish he could understand what he has done......to the three people that loved him more than anybody has his whole life.......with all our hearts.......and it feels like we were discarded......like pieces of trash........it really does......and that is so hard to face.....and swallow.......because we wouldn't have done that to him.......not even close and we all were willing to accept him for who he was to us.....to love him forever........and again hindsight is 20/20 and it seems to me if he had just appreciated his life......like really appreciated it......appreciated his devoted wife that was willing to do anything for him......his healthy and amazing kids.....our beautiful home.......our life as it was......flawed but so so real.......the ending could have been totally different.....an unrest existed in him that he could not shake.....one that didn't allow him to settle in to his life.....to just enjoy it all.....so much angst that I did not understand.....and it is OK if you fall out of love with somebody.....and you do things the right way......but I am not sure that is the case here......certainly not the right way part.....but I don't think a lack of love played a part......just think he lacked gratitude for what he had, and was so misguided........ and put his own needs, or what he thought his needs were before all of ours......that simple....and really...... as a result of all sorts of circumstance......and despite me wishing he had gotten that lesson in this life and just chosen to love and cherish us and be grateful for all of it......I am still so so grateful that I get the chance to do it again......but this time with a partner holding up their end........loving me as fiercely as I am loving them.......someone that accepts that I have walked along a beach's worth of pain.......but am still worthy of what comes next......more than worthy......and always have been......that I know for sure now........and if I don't......that is still better than not being loved equally.....way better.......and pouring the love I had for him into myself and my kids, has been the most transformative thing I have done......life changing.....so whatever lies ahead......it is better than what lies behind us......that I know with all that I am.......
jperuso
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