Grace- "do honor or credit to (someone or something) by one's presence. Courteous goodwill." It is a powerful thing to give another......it is hard to find sometimes.....I am committed to trying to do this as much as I can throughout this journey.....not to let the ugliness sweep me up and forget that what is coming in my direction is coming from a place of damage, a place of hurt, a place of pain in all directions.....and that the other's damage is being tossed back in my direction......and as wildly unfair as that is......it truly is.........it is the reality I face......I keep reminding myself that grace and compassion are a better place to come from than anger and rage........for myself and them......it is so hard to offer grace and compassion to another when they are behaving so badly......perhaps the hardest thing there is.........but it is necessary for me at each turn.......to keep my humanity, and remember his......and honor that humanity on behalf of the both of us.......for the sake of our children and our shared history......however having said all of that boundaries must be strong and clear.......and due to recent events I must lay some more down......and in that boundary building and all the factors that lie within, it becomes difficult to always know what is right to do......especially when it comes to my kids and what is best for them and how this situation affects them......it just seems like an endless battle and consideration of what needs to happen......Self preservation is also a factor in all of this too.....I must preserve my own self, my own well being, and be true to my own journey.....offering myself grace and compassion too....accepting I am where I am at any given point.....and that that is OK too...even on the days it doesn't feel that way........At this point it feels like one step forward and about ten steps backwards and it is incredibly difficult in the inching along to navigate all of it from these purer places and maintain who I am.......but it is crucial that I do just that.......So as the journey continues to unfold I will try and offer grace and compassion when I can......speak the truth when it needs to be spoken.......look out for my kids above all else........and hang on tight to my humanity and offer it up as much as I can......even when it is not "deserved" even then.......especially then.......and in that path I hope that my humanity helps others find theirs.........and in the end all I can control truly is the way I behave in this, the way I choose to walk, and the choices I make.....and to choose the high road each and every day......and hope that high road takes me closer to healing, in a straighter path, and to where I want and need to be.......I have faith it will do just that.......
jperuso
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