Ghosts...................

Despite my finding my way and finding joy and satisfaction in my new life, I wrestle with ghosts......they come out of nowhere and demand to be seen and acknowledged, and it is challenging because truth is I don't know what is going to summon them......not always......and before I know it one is there......sometimes they come on the wings of memories and other times it is triggers and feelings......and in an instant I am back in my old life feeling an old thing......sometimes it is a pleasant ghost, and the feeling associated or the memory brings me joy, and then immediate sadness in the absence of it.....and other times it is unpleasant and it is something I need to break a habit of, and banish the ghost through mindfulness........either way they come, and I often do not know the how or why.........they can also come in the absence of.......as a married person you are used to affection and intimacy with your partner, freely, and then in a moment it vanishes..........at least it happened that way for me.......vanished in an instant on a Thursday night..........leaving the need still present but the fulfilling of that need complicated, and not clear or available.......so sometimes in the absence of a need I feel a ghost come to be recognized and it requires me taking a hard look at my life and what I want to do, and what I don't..........sometimes I marvel at the fact that I had a man in my life and present in all my days for nearly 20 years, and on a Thursday night he vanished from that role............. and the adjustment to his absence in the places he was in my life, was a big one........hard habit to break right?.......and I am proud I did not run out to fill the void.......to just fill it with anything or anybody I could......that I have allowed that space to remain......beside me........because truth is I don't want just anything or anybody to fill that void......I need the right thing to fill those spaces that I cannot for myself....I need whatever comes to fill those spaces to be better than the current space that hangs there.....something or someone that adds value to my days......adds value to my experience in this life.......not just any old thing.....or just any person......However I can understand for some people it is hard for them to stand the space.......because after a lot of years it is deafening......feels enormous..........the absence of.........the absence of sleeping beside somebody......the absence of companionship in the day to day........ the absence of intimacy..........of affection.........of a teammate in my day to day........the absence of "my person"....the absence of love............and the urge may be to run out and try and fill it up........and I get that for some people that urge may be too strong to resist........it would seem that it would make the pain lessen somehow or the absence feel less vast.......however my guess is that that is not the case.........not how it works.........I am thinking that approach probably makes those things feel bigger.......more empty......more apparent..............which is why I am staying with the space........allowing it to be there, looking over at it from time to time, and finding ways to creatively fill my needs through the people that walk with me and through my own journey of self love and becoming.......becoming whoever I am meant to be in this story...........I am choosing her over everything.......she is worth it......