Funhouse, deep trauma, and healing.........

Fun houses are crazy right.......fun but kinda crazy......having all sorts of sensory input, that is hard to process and trust......and as I write this, I am not sure my kids have ever seen one.....perhaps we should:) But I write about the metaphorical one this morning.....the one that lives within healing.....and healing from deep trauma.....After this happened a desire burned inside of me to regain wellness, and heal from the trauma I experienced....and gosh it takes a long time....and sometimes I wonder how long it will take.....and being in a relationship now is calling for more healing, and helping me see different parts of me that need to be healed.....and sometimes it feels like wandering through a funhouse.....wondering if what I am looking at is mine......or something I need to overcome, or a lie, or an inclination I can trust.....if clarity is there, or repeat patterns.....like what is it.....and I saw a meme that spoke to me the other day......I think when you first become traumatized by something or someone.....you think to yourself " I want to heal to how I was before".....and that might be the most foolish notion ever.....trying to right the ship and regain that person you once were......the thing is now that person is gone.....and healing doesn't mean that at all....it is about becoming a new person, a new version, somebody completely different....a person who carries a whole other set of skills and wisdom and scars......and I accepted that a long time ago.....but the amount of work I am still doing to heal the wounds that were inflicted upon me, is really something to behold.....healing also doesn't have a finite timeframe.....it lasts as long as it does, and I don't believe there is a finish line......so as I have the things stepping forward that need to be examined, and worked through.....the funhouse makes it harder.....because there is a part of me, still.....that doesn't trust myself......I was duped so completely and fully in my marriage, believing in a mirage.....and when I think on that, it makes me want to recoil and retreat.....and roll alone.....like a skittish animal or a rescue pup.......and there is another part of me that fiercely wants to fight to have my needs met inside my new relationship, and fight to stay connected and not retreat within......wondering what makes sense, and what doesn't.......and sometimes the funhouse feels challenging....but real indeed.....so I guess I write this to hope that somebody else healing is reading it....and letting you know that healing is not easy.....at all.....but it is worthwhile.....and worth fighting for.....of that I am certain....and sometimes I lament about not being exactly where I want to be, instead of rejoicing in how far I have come.....and I need to shift that too......I am talking to the both of us;-) and the woman I am continuing to walk myself toward......the me up ahead, that is even more healed than this one, one step, one day, one action, one honest space at a time....the woman who is on a mission to use her scars and pain to heal other people too.....Amen xoxo