I put Christmas away yesterday. It was a reminder of the first weekend after he left, it was my first solo act this time last year. Tackling all the trees and bins all of it. And yesterday it was significant of my returning strength and stamina after Covid and my ability to do it at all:). It made me happy to be able to do so.......As I was doing all of that, there was lots of things to think about, and lots of time spent in my head......and in speaking to my friend the other day I was reminded of all I put up with a year ago......and for the years of his affair.......I was musing about what I was willing to accept......and my willingness to remain positive and believing that somehow it would get better.....even though the evidence was to the contrary......and I was sort of thinking how interesting it would be to go back in time and sit and have coffee with a former version of yourself.....really try to get into their head and where they were at the time.....we can sorta guess when we are out of it some.....and hindsight has taken hold.....but the actually real knowing is kind of hard.....it is kinda cool too that my therapist was there for all of it.....so he knows that Jenn and this Jenn.......and he is always so kind and gentle in his assessment of what old Jenn put up with and did when I become harsh with her.......he knew my belief in my marriage and family and my willingness to save it all trumped nearly every other thing.....including my self preservation.......and I don't think my motivation to stay and hang in was motivated by fear......the fear of being alone......or the fear of what would happen after......I don't remember feeling afraid of that...... I do remember feeling it was more worthwhile to work on the love and marriage you have than being cast out into the dating scene and starting a new relationship.......and that honoring your vows was the most important thing of all......but I don't think it was fear based so much as just logic......but I think what drove my decisions and my willingness to allow myself to not have my needs met and in some cases endure some very questionable emotional abuse type things at his hands......was all driven by love......my love for my marriage, my husband, my family, and most of all my children.......my not wanting to shatter their lives......if I could absolutely help it......because that Jenn didn't know what this Jenn does......that the shattering.....is the temporary part......in the short term their lives and my life most definitely felt shattered.....but it doesn't have to stay that way........that part doesn't last......old Jenn was unable to see the space beyond the shattering.....and she was reluctant to endure it alongside her children.......and any time I yearn to speak to her.....to get into her head and really figure out what she was thinking.......I am just reminded that we can't trust what we think as much as we think we can.....we are not always right.....and maybe not even most of the time......most of what we fear and conjecture never comes to see the light of day........so I am happy to be sitting in my full circle and having my conjecture come full circle and not be what I had imagined a year ago.......and know that all I endured during that time was all necessary to some degree to bring me to the place I am in my life........and I already feel some days it was worth it and I know that someday I will fully understand, but what I understand fully already is that this Jenn could not have emerged without going through what that Jenn did.......and I have compassion and love for the both of us......because both of us have always done our best and worked as hard as we could with what we have been given, willing to do better once we knew better:)
jperuso
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