Freefalling......

I have always been afraid of heights. The idea of skydiving, while extremely fascinating, never resonated in my soul. My fear of heights has gotten much better as I have gotten older, but I am still a play it safer kinda gal. A girl that believes that it is better to be safe than sorry at every turn.......and since January I have been freefalling......like on the night he left somebody shoved me out of an airplane.....and for a long time I just fell, the rush of the wind and my life whizzing past me.....and somewhere along the way I found the parachute cord, and I yanked that thing with all my might, and a beautiful parachute opened up to help break my fall, and since I have been falling a lot more slowly.....able to watch it all unfold, marvel at it all......but the fact remains I am still learning to fall, to let go, albeit in a controlled freefall, but a freefall nonetheless, and it is has been a big lesson for me....I think that one of the lessons in this for me.....one I am supposed to carry away from it....is the letting go....the letting go and letting God.....this weekend they are with their dad and they are having fun, which makes my mama heart so happy, but when they are with him I have to let go of so much related to my parenting responsibility, and resist the urge to worry or try to control any of it......just letting it be......trusting they will be safe, amid the pandemic, amid all of it.....we start school tomorrow and I cannot even tell you the ocean's worth of stuff I have to let go of to brave this school year.....because if I don't it will truly rob me of any of this peace I have so desperately worked toward preserving.....I don't know what lies ahead in terms of our school year, my divorce, my life, any of it.....as we all feel really to some degree.....but I know that staying in the day, in this moment, in this space in time is the better way.....the only way.....so as I am floating down with my lovely parachute, soaring in the glorious sky deciding what I want to take with me, and what I need to let go of......I am finding my faith muscle is increasing in strength......which is the point right? So much of what is going on in my life and in the world right now is so much bigger than me.....out of control on every way, too big for me to carry, and in that understanding comes my awareness that I have to give it to another, to God.....because nothing is impossible for him, all things are possible with him and through him.....and in that awareness I find strength..... strength to step forward in my life....to let go of what I cannot manage.....what is beyond my power.....and know that in those things he has got them......working them out for my greater good, for my children's greater good. Each and every minute....and trusting that......with all my heart....My favorite verse is..." Be strong and courageous; Do not be afraid; Do not be discouraged, for the Lord will be with you wherever you go." Joshua 1:9 I believe that, I truly do:)