Yesterday went nothing like I imagined......we were not all in one room......we did a negotiation dance......the lawyers speaking behind closed doors, and then each of them speaking to us, and round and round we went.......he and I were in the waiting room a few times just the two of us....... that space hasn't been there since he has been gone.....we haven't been allowed to communicate in a real way since the end.....and yesterday neither of us said much......some small talk.......some talk about our kids.....but not anything real.......so much to say on one hand, but nothing to say on the other.......you could see that some stuff flashed across his face, stuff he may have wanted to say but didn't.......and some things flashed in my mind and seemed better to not say.......but beyond the words that weren't spoken it was what I saw in him.......he is not the man I once knew.........don't recognize him at all.....and I could feel the heaviness and sadness coming off of him......the brokenness.......... the unrest in his soul.........and it was sad for me to see and feel, but I am not sure it could be avoided based on all he has done..........and the choices he has made in this life...........what he ended up walking away with in our divorce was not deserved......not fair.......not even close based on all he has done and what he put me through in this life......but unfortunately as the law stands...........there is not much wiggle room when it comes to those things.......and life is not fair........and for me at the end of the day it is just money.......it is not what actually matters in this life.......and when the last negotiation came......I had a choice.........I could choose to keep fighting......stay married......spend the next few months in court........legal fees.........tethers to my soul.......chaos in my world.......OR I could choose to accept it and BE FULLY FREE.......and when I was faced with that decision...... a stillness came over my heart and mind.......a peace deep within.......a wisdom.......and it made it crystal clear that my freedom, and my desire to be divorced and done was larger than the sum of money I was losing.......in every single way.......so as I have done many times in the last year plus.......I released the barbed wire......didn't hold on.......graciously let go........and in that moment I became FREE.....TRULY FREE........my wanting to be divorced and regain Jennifer Pearce.......was larger than any other detail of yesterday.......and I left knowing that I will always be OK financially, and that my life will take off and I will be provided for in this life if I continue to follow my heart and truth........I am not worried a bit......and as I drove away.......I may as well have left with a million dollars......I felt truly rich in all the things that matter......all the things that feed our souls........and I hit another level of lightness in my heart and soul.......I thought I had reached the max but turns out there is more......more freedom and levity for me to feel.......I feel like there is even more ahead.......and the true justice in this situation isn't going to be found in the details......in the divorce settlement, or in the truth and horror of what has happened and done to me...........there is no justice in any of that.......my justice has been found in the life I GET to LIVE now........versus the life he has chosen........we all make choices....he has made his and I have made mine.......and in my heart, my soul, my mind......and the deepest places in me.......I truly feel like justice has been served........
jperuso
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