FREE Falling through my pain

Pain is indeed a catalyst for change. Of that I have no doubt. I have been in great pain before in my life and have changed on the other side of that pain, to become closer to the person I am destined to be. This pain I am currently experiencing is going to be no different. I take some comfort in those moments where it threatens to swallow me whole, that one day I will look back and this pain and the fire will be back in the rearview mirror. The pain and suffering will be watching my new self emerge from those flames. Walking forward without so much as a glance over my shoulder. I know that that is true. However in the meantime the pain grips me in such a way that I want to run from it, hide from it, find a way around it. Make it stop if only for a moment, to let me catch my breath. However that is not to be, It comes to find me at all times throughout the day, but most of the time in the dark of night. While I am quiet in my thoughts, wide awake. In that dark and quiet space, as I listen to my sweet girl sleep beside me, I begin free falling through my life in my mind. Just falling and falling, while watching the memories of my marriage, life with my husband, and my sweet little family race by me on each side. Some memories touching my heart so deeply that I weep at their beauty, and mourn the loss of them forever, and others in stark contrast that remind me my life is better off this way and my marriage is right to be ending. Feeling completely out of control because I can't slow it, I can't catch it, I can't stop it. I can only observe it, as my entire life comes crashing down all at once. In the midst of this pain I have to carry myself through the day, trying to work, trying to care for my kids, and trying desperately to negotiate the things that now need to be negotiated as a part of my new life. In those moments, with such a sense of overwhelming responsibility it becomes again apparent that I just need to let myself fall, and let it all wash over me, not fighting it just letting it rock me back and forth against the jagged rocks. As I get banged against the rocks I am forced to let go of a part of my life each time I am thrown against them. All at once I am faced with losing all of my life.........the life I have known for so long. While my husband walks away and doesn't face those things, it may be the toughest pill to swallow........I am losing my marriage, my sense of family, potentially selling our home soon, my primary influence on my children which is the most excruciating pain of all, and the list goes on. As these realizations come raining down on me, I am desperately trying to catch my breath in between the waves. Gasping for air between the waves. Trying to strengthen myself, trying to take a breath, and trying to know with certainty that the pain I am suffering now will lead me to a life I was always meant to live.