Friday reminded me that I need to take another look at forgiveness......and what it means to forgive another human......it is not straightforward.......it is not clean lined or easy......when I stood in that space with him and forgave him during that Reiki session in my mind.....it felt as much for me as him....and most of this time I have believed it is hard to forgive somebody that hasn't shown remorse directly to you.......especially in the ways that I have been wronged by him.....and to the extent that I have......but is that true? Does he have to show me that remorse, or say some magical thing for me to then extend my forgiveness? I just don't think so.......I think forgiveness is more complicated than that......and deeper and wider.....the truth is I know he is sorry and feels badly about what he has done to me and to our kids by way of his actions......I have seen it......and there is no going back or fixing it.....so it leaves him in a no man's land to live with his decisions, and the pain he has laid on us for life...so I am guessing that owning that would be challenging to say the least.....so there it all sits in this purgatory between us.....BUT I have the power to move forward with it......to move myself forward and that is what Friday did.......it allowed the bubble to burst, quite literally.....that is what it felt like......a section breaking free.......and it felt so real.....to be standing in front of him, putting my arms around him......sharing my forgiveness.....and it would be easy to say....."he doesn't deserve it".....etc.....etc.....I could fill that in in many ways....but the truth is......I have tried really hard to walk along the high road in this story....and in learning grace.....and in being kind when it was hard.....and in letting so many things go that challenged my ego endlessly......in the name of peace.....in the name of humanity.......of compassion.......of love......of empathy.......and this is the same.....and it made me think too.....that when I finally surrendered to his girlfriend seeing my children it was a huge thing I was carrying.....burdened by......one I didn't realize had the weight it did, until I released it.......so this feels like that......I am hanging onto this piece.....waiting for something......not sure what......to release me from the tie it binds......and it is time to actively take a look at it......so I am......I have done some research on some forgiveness meditations.....and things I can do that can help me move forward in this, even if it is alone.......likely being that way, as it has been all along.....it is time to walk across the bridge of forgiveness.......so that I can continue to be FREE........
jperuso
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