Sort of a play on words........because I believe forgiveness matters........but there are most certainly matters surrounding my forgiveness at this point in time........I know all the things around forgiveness, it is really about me, and setting me free.........and it is important and healthy........and it is my goal.......one day.......truth is I have forgiven him a lot in this life already........small things and big things..........truly.......with all my heart.......no reservation......willfully moving forward and not holding onto anger or resentment......just offering my forgiveness in a beautiful package for him to have, when he needed it most.......and yet here I sit........that gift given to him, was most definitely lost on him.......not understood for what it was.......how profound a gift it was for him to receive........and his not understanding how much it required in me to extend all of that to him in the face of what he had done........so now.......I am not sure how I feel about it truthfully.......Some days I already feel as if I have forgiven him the brokenness that lead him to do what he did and make the decision he did........I almost feel I can understand and empathize with the pain he suffers from that brought him there.......I think for me the forgiveness of what he has done since..........the way he has behaved.........and the offenses he has chosen since he walked out of our home, are the things that I truly have to work at to forgive one day........and it will not be easy.......I am lucky though my heart is not bitter and angry......my lack of forgiveness for him at the moment is not poison to me.......it is just sort of a matter that is put on the shelf for another day.......not today......and I think it is important to not prematurely forgive......not push yourself to do something that your heart is not ready for........to wait........until you move through enough of the spaces to get to where you need to be to move on........in a real way..........and I know forgiveness can happen even when another person has not done their part necessarily to be forgiven.......I think that is what happened for him related to his leaving and my understanding how he got there.......what demons lead him to make such a huge decision for our family........but in terms of the rest......I am not sure I can truly forgive him for all the things.......without seeing an understanding.......or some recognition in him that he needs to be forgiven........and maybe that isn't right.......hard to say.......but ultimately it is my experience in the world and how I feel........and that is how it feels to me, in this moment.........would never imagine in all my wildest dreams........that he would be the person in my life that would rack up so many offenses against me that would need my forgiveness.......not ever.........and he has by far been the person in my life that has hurt me the most........the deepest........and as I said.......one of my fervent prayers is that God gives he.........and I the opportunity to sit with one another one day and find a way to lay this all to rest........in a much better way then it currently sits........once the dust settles.......once he is more like himself.........once...........but until then.........forgiveness matters.......but the matters surrounding my forgiveness still exist..........
jperuso
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