Forgiveness..........

On Friday night there was a psychic there.....and she was doing free readings.....and she told me that I needed to forgive him.......and she pointed to some explanation of the brokenness that led to all that has happened......and it resonated......all the things she said were true......and very legitimate reasons why somebody would descend into the path he did.......things I had already known......things that I too had told myself and understood about him.......and knew contributed to the darkness that eventually overtook him.......she also told me that light irritates darkness........that when you live in light......people that are struggling in the darkness do not want to be near you........you are a reminder of their pain and the things they may need to take a look at........I have seen that in my life too.....where I have lost people along the way for that reason.......and it is ok.......I understand......even though it hurts sometimes..........and I most definitely think it was true for him......so she shared that I need to forgive him........and she is right.......it is likely the last really large part of this that I struggle with.......as I have said I can forgive the brokenness that caused him to leave.....especially since it set me free to live the life I am now.......it is his behavior in the aftermath.......his intentionally cruel behavior repeatedly......that I still struggle with.....and things have been much better lately......he seems to be trying some......or things have shifted some......but it is still not at an acceptable level to me......as somebody who had babies with him.....and needs more from him as a co parent.......but when I think of all the things that have come to find me on top of all the other searing pain......at his hands......I wrestle with forgiveness.......I know forgiveness is for me.......that when I reach it, it will set me FREE even more so than I feel I am now........forgiving somebody who hasn't really shown remorse........is not easy.......and some days my heart is softer about it......knowing that he must be in an enormous amount of pain to do what he has done and in the aftermath.......so I have been intentionally praying on it......praying to find the place in me that can be that open......and forgive him......I have forgiven him so much in our lives together with an open heart.....forgiveness never being challenging for me or elusive......but yet.......in this spot......I wrestle it......seems like a worthy opponent......one I need to contend with.......so I will continue to pray.......I will do some forgiveness meditations.......I will try and stay with the compassion of my heart.......and work on this.......I had a dream about him last night again....it was so lovely......so connected.......so much peace making in it.......and I love when I have those........maybe last night's dream was trying to tug at my heart......opening it up to begin my road to forgiveness........maybe.........