Forgiveness.........

I am a believer in all things forgiveness......in all things redemption....in all things grace and compassion, in all things forgiveness of lost souls......I really am. People make mistakes, we all do........we all deserve to be forgiven.......I have forgiven my husband for things in the past that were tough to forgive, but I did so with an open heart and offered that forgiveness freely.....One of the things about forgiveness is it truly frees the person that is doing the forgiving as well as the person that wishes to be forgiven.....maybe even more........I do not have a grudge holding cell in my entire body, no revenge place, no spite place.......none of that.......I never have........it just isn't in me. The position I find myself in now is one that is unique, and one that is happening for the first time in my life.......I am not sure if I will ever be able to forgive him for what he has done to me, not ever, not for the rest of my life......As I type that it is shocking to me......gives me another stomach ache........it is not something I would ever think would happen.....The other piece of this though is that I also know I may have the capability at some point, I know myself well enough to know that, but not without a bunch of other things having to happen first......which I am not sure ever will......however as for now the hurt is too deep, the betrayal too intense, just all of what has happened too much.....too deep, too wrong. I may never find my way to forgiveness.......and even if I do it would never mean there is an us again, of that I am sure.......if I end up being capable of offering forgiveness to him......it will be so we can move forward in our new roles and for our kids......And although I feel the absence of forgiveness in my heart for him at the moment, it has not been replaced with bitterness, with anger, with rage, it is just an empty spot........a spot waiting, a spot wondering if it will ever be filled......I have been praying a lot and trusting the strength I have been given.....I will continue to pray about forgiveness.......to dig deep into myself and see what I find.....however for now I am giving myself permission to not find that forgiveness for him, to not feel obligated in any way, he certainly has not earned it at the moment......if forgiveness comes to me again, if I can find the place in me that can, it will come as it has in the past.....from a free place in me, a place of light, a place of peace.......guess we shall see........