I remember as a kid feeling scared of a lot.......feeling really insecure about who I was in the world and how I related to other kids and social situations. I always felt kinda nerdy, kinda deep, kinda different than everybody else and it created a low level stress in me a lot of the time. I was responsible......sensible.......sensitive.......and that didn't always feel good alongside the whimsical nature of other kids.....Kids that seemed freer somehow....not so tied down by an unwritten code to live by....one I hauled around with me for a long time.... As I got older I began to find my way and find pockets of people along the way that "got" me, understood my deep places, stood with me in the truth of who I was...........and as I traveled a along lots of things happened in my life that caused me to find my courage.......to find my strength......to find my brave.....and I think I have been brave in my life and faced what came with that spirit many times.........but since that Thursday night I feel like I have stepped into my BRAVE.......put it on right over my clothes and my soul......wearing it and owning it.......I have done a ton of brave things since he left.....and each one gives me the confidence to try another.....and in that bravery is where I find more freedom.......freedom to be ME.....to live my life on MY terms.......and not care who is watching........who is hating........who is judging.........I just DON'T CARE about any of that anymore....I feel so certain that I am meant to do anything and everything that feeds my soul and the deepest parts of me, that I just am doing all of that and more........like I said fear has left the building and when it left me it left me a sword and a shield.........to protect me from the judgement of others.........I am certain there are people watching my journey on social media and eye rolling due to their own issues, hating on me, judging me....... and you know what it just doesn't matter........it used to but now it doesn't..........I have been committed to training my mind and body to become a warrior through this, capable of withstanding the storm.......capable of withstanding the challenges that come to find me........to allow me to come out of the shadows and own my story publicly from the beginning......the voice inside that nudged me to do all of the things I have that have lead me to this place..........that have helped me survive this.....when I think of my little girl all those years ago, and how she would never have considered herself brave......she always had logic and reason arrive to squash her bravery and make her feel like she was too practical to be brave.......that the two could never co exist.....and as a responsible human you can't always be brave.......or bold......but that all goes into the lies we tell ourselves category.......and all those narratives and lies I have told myself all these years just aren't true......they just aren't......they never were.......I wish I could travel back in time and sit with that little girl and tell her not to worry......not to feel scared.......not to doubt herself.......and that one day she was going to feel fierce and brave with every part of her being......that she was going to own it all.......and that in the meantime she is doing just fine......she has always done just fine..........
jperuso
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