#feral

This blog is written on the heels of yesterday's blog......discovered I had more to say about that;-) yesterday's blog expressed my awareness and understanding that my identity shift has come from shedding of my wife role.....no longer being one.....or feeling like one.....or needing that part of me to remain......and how the shift has been powerful and profound.....and sometimes it has occurred to me lately that I may indeed feel a little feral sometimes ;-) Like I had been a house cat for a really long time......and somebody decided one day that I would be an outside cat.....and cast me outside to fend for myself, make shelter.....feed myself......fight off enemies...... and I did:).....and now I kinda dig being a feral cat;-) The definition even sorta fits.........feral- in a wild state, especially after escape from captivity or domestication. So yeah, as I reconcile that truth......that the thought of becoming "domesticated" again isn't always appealing to me in the traditional sense any longer.....I also understand that my view is skewed.....I get that.....I get that the right relationship.......the right set of circumstances....the right all of it, has the potential to change my mind......but there is a certain quality of what I have been through, and the spiritual breakthrough and awareness things I have felt so deeply, that makes me feel a little extra independent.....and my need to be by myself sometimes has increased exponentially......like a true need......I enjoy people.....and socializing immensely....do not misunderstand.....but there has evolved another component in me as this as unfolded......that needs to be on my own too.....or with just myself and my kids......and I mention it, because it sort of feels in line with my feral metaphor.......and you know what feeling feral feels kinda amazing.....it feels like being alive.....and awake......and true......and authentic............it kinda is the perfect metaphor.....because feral cats are pretty free right??? They do what they want.....they live on their terms......they are scrappy and fight for all they have.......they are survivors.......so when I compare myself to that, those are things I am acknowledging.....and the truth is, I didn't ask to have my comfortable house cat be let outside on a random Thursday night, i was never planning to be anything other than domesticated all of my days.....and maybe....the contrast is so stark and profound to me because I was SO domesticated......like to my core.....all of those things resonated so deeply with who I was......home, husband, children, duties, work, cooking, cleaning etc etc etc.......and for many years I loved it all......happy to be uber domesticated doing my thing.....feeling fulfilled by all of it......until I wasn't......so I didn't ask to be let outside, but now that I am out here.....and I am not hating it;-) In fact loving it.......and the thought of being let in for good and relearning domestication kinda freaks me out some....lol;) Not gonna lie.......and I think for me, there would need to be the balance of the two in my next chapter, if I met somebody.......a perfect pairing of my feral and my domestic.....keeping both of them alive in me......balancing them beautifully......because extreme in either direction is no good.....balance is what we should all be seeking, in all of who we are.....all parts of us integrating....and being seen and adored by the person meant to see it and adore it:)