After I left the lawyer's office the other day, I stopped by Lake Wallenpaupack.....to bask in my moment.......look across the water.........soaking it all in.......the freedom of my wings.......of feeling like I can soar now......and I sorta feel like a bird.....which I guess could sound weird......but it is true.....despite my having to give up stuff I didn't want to.....wasn't planning to........stuff that wasn't deserved......my soul still felt as light as a feather as I drove away.......and nothing was going to be able to rob me of that.........of my moment.......that despite the paperwork needing to be signed I was essentially done........chapter closed.......ink dry......and turning the page.......our documents came through my email yesterday to review.......and it is so weird to see your life reduced to legal jargon.........there is a surreal coolness that surrounds your life, when it is written about in these documents......and I haven't gotten used to it in over a year......it still stops me in my tracks.......makes the rule follower part of me nervous.......making me want to make sure I do whatever I am supposed to.......so as I read through the end of our marriage.....our property settlement.......12 pages......to end 20 years......I didn't feel much in the way of grief and sadness.......which surprised me??? I think I have already swam in that ocean enough that maybe most of that part is done for me......I have done my work in healing and grief......so instead it felt exciting.......like FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.......like the period I have needed in our sentence since the moment he left.......always thinking........or wishing........ it would come by way of a heart to heart conversation......but instead it has arrived in a court document........and you know what.......it is OK with me......because it has arrived.......that is the point.......the closure I have yearned to feel all this time has come for me.......and it feels amazing........and now as I stand and admire my freedom.......freedom that has come to me at a high price........both emotionally and now financially........I know that I will treasure it.......will protect it.......and will not give it up easily.......and the sting that was swirling around the fact that I was getting a divorce at all has subsided......it is also in the acceptance phase......the fact that I am here doesn't have to carry any shame or any negative feelings........for me........I did my part and this was how it was meant to be.....my marriage serving as a portal to help me have the opportunity to be reborn in this life.......like a birth canal;-) with a 20 year labor and delivery:) that is powerful.....and I know it sounds dramatic......and that is OK if it sounds that way to you........it is very hard to understand unless you have had something break you so exquisitely.......so completely.....that there is no other way back, except anew..........so here I am a new woman.......in every single way.......a woman on a mission......a woman filled with passion........with hope........with faith........with excitement......but most of all filled with freedom and ready to stretch her wings........:)
jperuso
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