Something about a good retrograde season to bring some clarity and epiphanies to our doorstep;-).....having stuff spin around again to take a look at.....and the epiphanies have been coming fast and furious these last couple of weeks, and continue to do so....and there is so much I want to say.....but I will do my best to hone in on a piece of it:) I am seeing clearly how we are different versions of ourselves for different seasons of our lives right now...and you may say DUH Jenn.....you have already said that a bunch of times, and it is super obvious, and well you would not be wrong;-) BUT......that awareness is bigger in me now than it has ever been.....if we are lucky and conscious enough, we evolve through our lives.....embracing change, and letting life mold us into those versions....and maybe that is why marriage can be so challenging, or the divorce rate is so high......because a marriage takes into account that two people are going to navigate that process in the same way.....or in a way that speaks to each party, and maybe that just isn't so......and then......well......I have spoken many times about the fact that my ex and I are strangers......we literally no longer know anything about each other.....and if we sat down and had a conversation it would be surreal and strange and awkward.....and we were different when we were married too.....but we still found common language, and ways to touch down, and speak each other's language.....not as often as I had wished but it was there......but not that long ago I let go fully of a space that I no longer belonged in....and I felt that deep inside of myself, that it was time, and that the version of me that had occupied that space for a great while.....no longer existed.....she did not belong there anymore.....and that is profound.....and for me it was real growth and progress to recognize that and DO it.....and as soon as I was brave enough, and clear enough to fully stand in my truth, stand in my worth, and stand up for me, this new situation and person stepped forward again....my finally being ready for that date:).....and I had told myself stories about my potential suitor that were based on conjecture, and it turns out none of it was true, and my doing that was to keep it at bay....pretending I knew somebody I really didn't know based on past demons.....and I am glad I took a chance to learn the truth, and push past the beliefs and lies we tell ourselves.....and I guess the epiphany comes in that space....understanding that I was evolving past old narratives, and spaces to be more willing to accept what comes to find me....and I also think different versions of me, ones that hadn't evolved to where I am, or maybe more importantly have developed a stronger sense of self, discovering who I really am....would not have as much in common with my new friend.....if it weren't for that process, the process that has been happening over the last couple of years.....for instance hiking, and nature.....it is a huge shared love of the both of us.....and I have loved the woods ALL of my life....and when I was younger I spent so much time in the woods....but then somewhere along the way I forgotten that.....and my ex did not enjoy hiking and all of that like I did.....so it faded into the abyss....and when I reclaimed that after he left, it found its way deep inside of me again....and it is a bliss point indeed for us....as well as us both having a deep love of music, another spot that has become a huge part of my life in this version.....and so many other things......so I guess I mean, that perhaps I had to find the parts of myself again that would attract this situation....and manifest some stuff I have been seeking....we see stuff all of the time that speaks to becoming the things we want to attract, and I tend to believe that....and sometimes we stay stuck, and in the places we don't belong because we are in a tug of war between the older versions of us, and the new ones that want to emerge.....and that absolutely has been true for me.....and the truth is that I have been battling that for awhile now.....at times getting the upper hand, and then having old Jenn gain the upper hand....like a great arm wrestling session.....battling back and forth, a nail biter, and then I finally slammed the old Jenn's arm down on that table lol:) Winning over her;-) and I finally was able to overcome that, and stand in Jenn's truth and remain authentic to the woman I am today....so while I do not love the way retrograde feels when it comes, I definitely FEEL it.....I do enjoy the awareness it brings....and I am sorting through so much and finding my way to the places meant for me.....the places my soul recognizes each and every day.....:)
jperuso
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