When this first happened the grief of losing my family was deep and wide......it was one of the most excruciating parts of it for me.......the never again part.....that no matter what happens.....if I find love......and a terrific man, I can never put my first family back together......and it seemed as if I would grieve that forever.......however recently I don't quite feel the same about that.......I have come to realize that just like home is where you make it, not necessarily a place......family is the same......family is who you have by your side......and my own little family is myself and my kids......and it no longer feels as if anything is missing.....like we lost a piece of our family or our family at all........and it feels good to have reached this place......I know my kids still feel like he is missing from our lives from time to time......or maybe more often than I know.......and the truth is they might always......Madeline was telling me last night that she wishes her daddy would come home for good.......and it hurts my heart for her, and for Gabe.....I wish I could impart my understanding of it all onto them.......help them not miss him from our day to day lives too.....or feel his absence, in the ways I don't anymore.......but I can't........however I am grateful to be where I am in this journey......understanding that I did not lose my family.....he was not the whole of our family.......he was a piece.....and when he left.... we had that hole for awhile......but then we stepped closer together.....and the hole closed......and now it is hard to remember what it was like with him in it......and the truth is if he did try to be a part of it, it may feel foreign to him, and would be weird for us.......our family is different now.....a totally different life.......different habits.......different ways of being in the world.......just different......I read that early on too......to craft different habits and rituals after divorce with your kids to create a new life and reality, and take the sting out of the loss and the missing of the old......I had forgotten about that till now......but I guess that is sort of what happened......we started a new life......without him......and in turn created a new family dynamic.......one that is ours and ours alone......and the grief and the loss of the four of us isn't so profound or painful to me anymore.....it just sort of is......my family is the three of us......and family looks like all sorts of things......and I had such a strong vision of it for so long.......the four best friends from once upon a time.......and I believed when that was shattered that so was my sense of family.....I was wrong......so wrong......my family is alive and well.....and turns out nobody can take that from me......their absence doesn't negate the love that exists here.......it just doesn't.......So 16 months ago I didn't lose my family......I gained a new one.......one that is happier, healthier, closer, stronger, and wiser than we have ever been.....and our dynamic has changed in profound ways, and our bond will be unbreakable in this life.......after all we all survived an explosion together.....and found our way to surviving and thriving on the other side......that kind of bond knows no bounds.......and will for life indeed;-)
jperuso
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