Faking it till I am making it..........

In the beginning there were many dark days. Many days I wasn't sure I would make it or survive the pain......... Days I did not want to do anything. All I really wanted to do was sit and stare at the wall and wonder how I got here......and think of all of it and let it wash over me......or I wanted to crawl into bed and curl up, and feel the enormous grief and pain wash over me over and over again.....lucky for me there was not too much time for that......I have been enormously blessed to be the mother of two of the best kiddos on the planet, and they both needed me, and they also both truly helped me fake it till I am making it these days:). "Mom you want to go for a walk"....and every part of me didn't......every single part......but their faces and desire to go helped drive me.....drove me enough to tie up those shoes and do the next thing......and bit by bit....moment by moment.....I pushed a little harder to do each thing I didn't have the desire to do but knew I needed to do........ putting me closer to where I needed to be......faking it until it took hold......if I had waited in bed.....or waited as I was staring into space for the making it part to come find me..... I am not sure it ever would have.....I likely would have stayed stuck......stayed broken.....stayed sad.......stayed emotionally devastated.....stayed immersed in the muck......by fighting that darkness and muck each and every day and putting my foot in front of the other and pouring into myself and my kids I was able to find my way to the light.....to the hope.....to the peace.....to the understanding......to my new life........and I have literally just scratched the surface of this new life and it already fulfills me in ways I never knew it existed......by filling my life with the good stuff......letting go of the bad stuff my reality has been an experience I have created....for all of us to live in.......fighting the anger.....fighting the bitterness.....not allowing room for it to come and settle in.......not allowing it to find a place in my home or in my heart.......keeping the good stuff......releasing the bad stuff.......on repeat until the pain felt manageable and I could make decisions that didn't feel like I was faking anymore and ones that felt more like me.....and what a sweet relief that is.......the absence of that acute pain......and the sweet feeling of peace........and we have all been there right???.....faking our way till we arrive in a space that feels more authentic....more like US.......and in that period of going through the motions we can find our way......we really can........painting my bedroom felt that way....it was raining, I was super sad......wanting to just lie in bed.....and lick my wounds......but I forced myself to start transforming my bedroom and start painting....music cranked......rain falling and what a better choice.....because within three days I had a new room and the alternative would have likely been a string of days spent in bed.....or at least wanting to.........not helpful for anybody or anything.....and I have allowed days to grieve and allowed my pain to come......let it move through.....honor its presence.....cry an ocean's worth of tears......going through all of it......but I don't live there......don't wallow or lie in it.......I keep moving, and in the moving I am finding my way.......making it in the day to day no longer faking my way through it....the excruciating days far in the rearview mirror.....and I am content to let them stay there......and shift my focus to that front windshield........ ready to meet all the things my new life holds for myself and my children:).