I promised myself when the school year began again I would not allow the chaos that I could feel was coming, swallow me up......and every single day since it has threatened to.....this school year is WAY harder than last.......didn't think that could be possible but it is.....and yesterday maybe being the most challenging day of all.......in every way.......the world we live in is in such a heightened state......a collective consciousness of fear.......of anger.....of hate......of blame......of judgment......of all of it.......and it is pervasive, in every part of people's lives.....the news......social media.....conversations around the water cooler......conversations in general........all of it.....and if we remember to stay out of it all there is much to learn there.......because when we match other people's energies.....join them where they are........after they prick something in us.....then nobody wins.......nobody......and we lose ourselves.....and what stimulus has come to find us wins......but damn if it isn't easier said than done.....I try like hell to maintain my peace amid the storm that is the world at the moment.......and amid all the little storms in my life that I am standing in the middle of......trying to be the eye of the hurricane not the hurricane.....but I am human and it gets a hold of me too sometimes.....I get sucked in and find myself stepping in a rabbit hole too.........but I guess if I am conscious and keep reminding myself of my goal, my commitment......my promise to myself....no matter what, and wake up each day with a new mindset to try harder.....dig deeper......let more of what comes roll off........fall away.......don't accept every invitation I am given to rattle my cage.......then I guess that is a good thing and all I can expect.......because truth is if my marriage was in tact and all was good, the world and my life would still be a lot, and I would have an enormous burden on my shoulders teaching and parenting during a pandemic.....but the fact that I have that other piece on top of it.......well it makes it that much more intense and some days heavy, just so heavy......some days it feels impossibly so...........but this is where that magical little choice I have been given comes in......and it most certainly is a choice......and that is faith.......when the storm comes.......and I am standing in the center watching it swirl in a frenzied and harried way around me.......I can summon the magic of faith......trust in things bigger than me......in what lies ahead being for me...... for my kids........for our greater good......for our future.....we are not meant to live in fear......fear does not serve anybody....and most of the time it is a lie.......a fabric of our imagination......we are asked to step out in faith......and hang onto that faith when the waters get rough........and most certainly I am in rough waters right now in every direction.......and somehow I know I will learn to steer the ship I am on right now.....as I have other ships before this one.......or learn to stand in the eye and withstand all that swirls around me........I will figure it all out.......I know that.....in the meantime I will cling to that faith........because that faith is the lifeline to maintaining the gift of peace I was blessed enough to recently acquire.......and it is not for sale......I am not willing to watch it get swept away in the stormy waters......I am just not.......so today is a new day......full of light......full of promise.....and Friday to boot;-) and I can and will continue to do HARD things.....I just will:)
jperuso
Comments