I have wrote some about the benefit of hindsight......boy oh boy it is a wonderful thing to use when we reflect on where we have been........ and think of where we are headed.......it can also cause confusion and make you scratch your head.....I was talking to a friend recently.....one who is on the same path as I am......she was marveling about what she put up with inside her marriage...............and I feel the same so often.......when I think of what I allowed.....or what I accepted in my life.....it is kind of hard for this Jenn to wrap her head around.........and I suppose those things creep in slowly....insidiously.....starting to take hold.......and before you know it......it is a thing.....a thing you both accept as a part of your life together......and maybe we accept some of those things as the price of long term love.....the price of happily ever after? I mean we never know what goes on in other people's marriages.....when the doors close for the day.....and so without a point of reference we are sort of left to flounder, and think that you take the good with the bad? At least I did.......I was willing to weather the storms.....for what felt like sunshine sometimes.......however I was wrong to do that.....because the last few years I allowed and accepted way more than I ever should have.....it is almost shocking for me to think of now......like I cannot believe it really.......I am forever conflicted with feeling satisfied with how hard I worked to save our marriage and family, and how much I endured that I shouldn't have.......didn't need to........and now the idea of dealing with even 1/16th of that makes no sense at all.......evolved expectations......when you know better you do better.......that is true......and now sometimes I fear my expectations of a new relationship one day will be impossible to meet.......maybe doesn't exist.......maybe doesn't exist??? or maybe it does.....and I just never have seen it in my own life........and it is good to have gained some perspective......have a road map of where you want to be headed......what makes sense to you......what I know for certain.....is that I have a NEVER AGAIN list that is a strong no........and if there are hints of it I am out.......and that feels good to know, clearly where my boundaries lie and what I absolutely won't bend on......and I want somebody that is doing work on themselves.....the level of work I am doing......I am facing all the things about myself....that needed to change....that do not serve me and where I want to be in this life......and I work on it every single day.....I want a man that does the same......one that is awake......excited about life.....has joyful habits......healthy habits.......an attractive life......a conscious life.....some days I wish I had a time machine......so I could travel back to the Jenn of those days......give her a hug......let her cry in my arms......tell her all I know now.......and tell her it is Ok to let go......to just let go......and that she will learn to fly........I will hold that Jenn in my heart with such reverence and with gentleness.......because she did the best she knew how to do......she really did......and now that she knows better.......she most certainly will do BETTER.......MUCH BETTER:)
jperuso
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