Equitable distribution.........

As my divorce gears up to finalize.....I am aware that nothing is equitable.....it just isn't.....despite actions and circumstances......ultimately this process is subject to a ton of stuff that just isn't fair.....I have written of justice and the concept of fair a few times as it circles around me.....and it is one of the biggest rabbit holes I can find myself in......because it is legitimate.......just so so legitimate.......I could write pages and pages of a blog.....with bullet points......pointing to all the unfair stuff that has come to find me this year.....and likely will befall me as I finalize my divorce......and when I dive too deep or my ankle gets caught on the edge of the rabbit hole......I have to consciously decide to yank my foot back.....and not entertain it in the ways that I want......and it always brings me back to the notion of fairness.........like what do we DESERVE? Right? The truth is nothing......we are entitled to nothing in this life........ and I am no more deserving of a thing than the person standing next to me.....and it is tough.....because your ego gets all up in it.....saying but hey what about when you did this, and this for that person, and what about that time??? Yeah.....I know.....but still that doesn't diminish the truth of the matter......and that truth is none of us are owed a thing in this life.......the only thing we can do is play the hell out of the cards we have been dealt.....instead of staring at our hand and lamenting.......and that is what I have tried to do whenever I am able......so I am learning that equitable distribution, even in light of all that has happened.......likely won't be "fair"........and even though I conduct my life based on the concept of fairness........it may not find me in return in terms of the marital assets and the final divorce decree.....hard to say......justice has always resonated deeply in me...I have a soft spot for the underdog......I want to see those folks winning against all odds.....I want things to be fair in this life......and have for maybe as long as I can remember......and this situation has shown me.......that fair.........is a myth.........impossible and elusive to grab.......a figment of our imaginations.....and not something we can always count on in a real sense.....and truth is ....nuts and bolts aside of the details of my divorce.....and how it will shake out after the ink dries......I do think a great deal of justice has found me......I am living a life I love........I have found inner peace.......I have found joy.......I have found health.......I have found fitness......I have found writing........I have found meditation......I have found courage......and bravery........and resilience..........and a totally new path.......one that lights me up.......I have been given endless gifts this year.........by way of the people that have stepped forward to join me on this walk.....supporting me......loving me.....cheering me on......walking beside me in all of it.....each one bringing me an invaluable thing that I have needed to survive it all.........so if I feel the need to examine the scale of justice.....I think of those things.......and think that those things have found me......and the gratitude I feel for all of that.....is limitless.......I won there is no question..........so as I embark on the true end of my marriage......headed to signing on the dotted line......dissolving our life together for good........I will keep all of those other things in mind......and know that however this goes........it is also part of the meant to be part of my walk......just like all the rest.......