So the other day I mentioned trust and how it relates to my journey......and all the complications of the past, present, and future versions of trust and my heart........and it is enormous.........truly..........something happened recently that reminded me exactly what an issue it is..............and will be for a long time I am afraid......... I fear that on that Thursday night I may or may not have been given a life sentence to have trouble trusting anyone again.....like ever.......or even wanting to trust anybody again.......the thought is a depressing one.....like dark in all the ways.....and I spend a great deal of energy finding the light and putting my face toward the sun....but the dark things also need to be explored with the same intensity......welcomed in to explore too......and the last thing I want to become is a walled off girl in a tower that doesn't take a risk on love because it may hurt again......a girl that becomes hardened and fierce in all the unhealthy ways.......but I have to tell you that the idea of never putting myself out there again is WILDLY appealing at this moment in time.....like in all the ways that something unhealthy can be.....I am being honest and transparent here....I KNOW it is not the way to live.....I KNOW living my whole life fearful of hurting again is not healthy......I KNOW that taking myself out of the equation to protect my heart is not the right thing forever .............but at this moment in time.......it feels pretty good to know that I can do just that..........at least for now............I am truly trying not to judge my journey, and I hope if you are reading this daily or once in awhile you won't either.....and if we sat for coffee and I told you the level of betrayal I have experienced in all this you may just build some walls around yourself too......or even help me build mine ;-) so having said what I said .......and being really honest I do think some walls are wise at this stage of my road trip......and being an eternal optimist and believing that what is meant for me will ALWAYS be for me, and that my damage won't affect that destiny..... and also knowing I won't always feel this raw....won't always feel this fiercely about protecting myself....won't always feel so much of so much......that perhaps this is a phase that one day will be in the rearview mirror.................and one day trust and peace will co exist in me again.......live in my heart again free and without hesitation.......I mean very hard to say so newly in....but there is definitely a voice in my head that wonders if I may never be able to put myself out there again....that perhaps I am serving a life sentence.....guess only time will tell and the amount of effort I continue to give my healing process....... and if I keep going as I have been....I should be healthy one day again.......free to love and trust with abandon..........but in the meantime guess what door #2 doesn't look too bad to me at all.....I am loving my new life on MY terms.....standing in MY power.....in MY sandbox and not having to share it with anybody but my kids, my family, and my friends......and if this were all there ever was.......something tells me it would not be a tragedy.....so when these feelings come I work hard at not dismissing them....not rationalizing them out of existence, I give them a place to stand up and be heard......to say their peace....share their fears and then take a seat........until they come around again.....until they eventually have nothing more to say and just go away....... that is always my goal each and every day.....
jperuso
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