Even though I am strong and finding my way it doesn't mean that I am not in immense pain.....that I don't cry, or yell, or rage, or any of the rest.......I keep the super powerful emotions for my friends, for them to listen to, or for my family, and I shield those monster emotions from my kids. However my kids and I have processed many of our feelings together.....I don't hide from them.....I don't want them to hide from me with theirs.....I show them it is OK to feel all of it.......that what is happening is profoundly sad, a loss in so many ways and that their feelings are valid and supported...This is a brutal process and changes daily......depending on the wave that comes....this morning I am feeling sad.....like really sad......I had a dream where we had some conversation that was meaningful, that was necessary, and sad and I woke in the lingering space of that, and it just hurt my heart.....Love lingers long after it should..........maybe forever.......and love is what matters above all else......even if that love can't continue in the same ways it once did.......finding a place to put my marriage, such a profound journey built on so many strong things, that ended in such an abrupt, shocking, and weak way, is really a challenge.....what parts do I grieve, what was real, what was perception, what was there......what was the reality......what am I letting go of.........When did it change.......when did my reality change, where was I.........what things changed to lead us here......or when had he changed so drastically.......I have some theories but all of it still swims in confusion......I pray one day with all my heart, after the dust settles, there will be a time to sit across from one another and have the conversation we so desperately need to have........I feel it may be out there waiting in the future......but for now........I cannot rely on anybody to do my healing except for ME, it is powerful to learn how to do that for yourself, to learn how to let go of things you may need to, to find ways to heal, because that conversation is currently not available to you......those questions need to left to linger in the air, because another is incapable of giving that in this moment, and maybe ever........a tough thing to face.........but hope will always remain in my heart........hope that one day the missing piece of my healing puzzle will find its way to where it is meant to be........but if not I have the acceptance and strength to find a creative way to fill that space too........trusting what is meant for me will find a way.......
jperuso
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