Another blow.....and truthfully not sure what to do about it......I have mentioned the strain that lives between myself and my ex for so many reasons.....like a vast divide......full of so many things...feelings.....and obstacles that prevent us from moving forward in the ways I wish we could.....and at pick ups and drop offs we are not unkind to each other, but there is minimal contact or discussion.....more on his end not mine.....I would chat more, but it has been made clear early on that is not welcomed......or allowed.......I would absolutely be open to us being more friendly for our children.....but there are so many things on his end both internally and externally that keep that from happening.....and keep everything related to us at bay......as co parents etc......so the kids have started to visit for dinner on Wednesdays....and the last two Wednesdays I have picked them up.....and Madeline has been musing about that divide....wondering if her parents like each other.....and "why Daddy doesn't talk to me"....and she cried last night saying she doesn't think her dad likes her mom......and wondering if I liked him.......another ouch......and I reassured her that her dad and I care about each other, and wish good things for each other....and that the rest of it is complicated grown up stuff.....and that I hope to be good friends with her dad someday.....and told her that there are big feelings that stand between us right now......and maybe someday they won't be there.........but that we definitely like each other.......but she senses it all.....and truth is.....I am not sure of how he feels about me or anything......haven't been a part of those things since the beginning......I suspect I know the reasons for his distance from me.....they are plentiful.......and for all sorts of reasons...........so I sit here this morning....not really sure what to do......to let it be, let it naturally unfold and hope things evolve naturally in a better direction......or attempt to address it across the great divide......and I am not sure what the right thing to do is.....I think I will sit with it for a little bit.......and figure out the best way to handle it......it may be in the surrender pile.....how he is with me, is on him.....and the impacts it has belongs to him.....but that is so much easier to swallow, when his actions don't involve the suffering of our children.....and the thing is, in this journey.....things go along smoothly......adding the visit.....navigating stuff smoothly......relatively amicably on the outside.........then wham..........some kind of something else pops up......and actually I think I may be inclined to shed light on this topic, as I type this.......it seems that may be the best approach.....she is so young and she has many years of watching he and I interact........so it may be worth exploring and trying to address......but just thinking of it, makes me feel tired and makes my stomach hurt.......I will spend the next few days pondering it.....praying on it......and seeing what my intuition has to say......and just hope that somehow it all gets better......that is my wish always.......progress.......
jperuso
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