Divorce........

OW! OW! OW! OW! I NEVER WANTED THIS!!!! NOT for ME, NOT for MY KIDS!!!!! Divorce was never on my radar, not for me, not in the cards, not even a thought......silly right? Naive you bet? Downright foolish....absolutely! Ironic considering where I now sit.......I knew enough of divorce over the years to know it was not something to be taken lightly.... not something to be casual about, and I was absolutely right.........On my wedding day I meant every word, every vow, all of it, with all of my heart.....my parent's marriage was ride or die....I always fashioned my approach after that....RIDE OR DIE....always felt that working it out was noble, not giving up was the right thing to do, trying harder on the hard days so important, hanging on when the ride got rocky, working to keep love alive....all of it.....I believed deeply in every single bit of it......So here I am at 44, on the cusp of getting a big old divorce....still so so surreal to me.....I know that this will be a scar I will carry for the rest of my life...I know that getting a divorce will change me forever.....and guess what I am counting on that....because something unexpected is happening....I am not hating the end of my marriage, or what is emerging, not in the ways I expected...I cant't stand that this happened, I loathe what he did to me, and I am so so sad that this is how "our love story," my favorite love story, has ended......and I wish with every fiber of my being that this wasn't what happened, and I especially despise it for my kids.....and I will always wish on some level that our sweet little family could have remained.....forever and ever......but that is not what has happened.....and in the wake of it something totally unexpected is happening. My SOUL is WAKING up! I feel more AWAKE and more CLEAR than I have in years......I feel an awakening deep in my soul happening.....with each step I take. I feel really ALIVE.....I know some of that is pain but it is more than that.....I feel like I am crystal clear on where I am headed.....not what I expected at all.....when the searing pain subsides there is some amazing stuff on the other side for myself and my kids, of that I am certain... I have been married for nearly 15 years and been in a relationship for 20 plus......it has been a LONG time since I have gotten in touch with what I want....what I need, what I like to do, who I am outside of all the people that I care for.....I am an EXPERT on what everybody else needs, what everybody likes, what they want.....and I have truly loved caring all these years for another, it is in my nature, a part of who I am......but somehow along the way I lost my place in that pecking order....my stuff coming last or not at all.....I am not sure I realized it or maybe I accepted it because that is what moms do.......SO here I am rediscovering ME, having time to do such a thing.....while still being able to pour into my kids and meet all of their needs.....kinda crazy right??? Not what I EXPECTED......AT ALL.....So I now have a golden ticket.....one nobody wants, one nobody would choose for themselves, one that I didn't choose for myself, but one that was chosen for me.....I can't change what happened but I sure as heck can grab this golden ticket and swing for the fences!