Distortion.........

Distortion is the act of twisting or altering something out of its true, natural, or original state....and it is curious when it happens......since my marriage ended and my ex left.....I have been left in a place where I am not free to speak my truth to him, and have it received as it needs to be.......as it should be.......and it was something I wrestled with often in the beginning......just bursting with words and sentiment that was fighting to get out.......and I was blessed with three angels in those early days that listened to all those words......over and over and over again.......giving me an audience for all of it.......and since then I have come to peace with his not being strong enough to stand in our truth with me......that the honesty and depth of it all would destroy him.......and that is where his wanting to hide from it all comes from......because he knows himself too......and most days the acceptance of that is what I carry in my heart.....so much so that the need to say the things has diminished so much as time has passed.........however sometimes my subconscious has her say, and I will vividly dream of him and a space where we can say what needs to be said......never wanting to go back, never a hint at that even being a thought- for either of us.......but finding a space where there is kindness........understanding......openness.......truth........honesty......and healing.....and each time I have one of these dreams I wake in the aftermath with this feeling that stays with me all day......like it was a visit from a deceased loved one......which is how I feel much of the time......that he died and I am mourning the living version of him......which I must say is an extremely strange and wildly difficult thing to do......and the distortion that takes place in the dream......where my brain alters what is from its original state, and makes it so lovely and easy is always remarkable to me......and sad.......because it would be so easy for it to be like it is in my dreams in real life......for us to exist in this post divorce space in a much better way......but there are forces at work that come from the brokenness that his new life began in.....a space that wasn't truthful or honest.......not allowing for it to be free to live and breathe on the other side in a real way......so instead I choose to make it as palatable and gracious as I can on my side......accepting and dealing with stuff I don't want to sometimes to do what is right for my children......and letting him off the hook in a certain way......there is no point in standing on a deserted island screaming your truth.......nobody is listening......and the version of him that visits me in my dreams no longer exists........I have mourned that man.......and maybe a part of me will forever......always wondering what was real......what was honest.....and what was my view through my love for him, and my rose colored glasses......and some days it is harder to navigate then others.....and maybe the fact that I feel so alone in our children having the flu is what prompted it........not sure.....but I am not sad when I have the dreams......it is almost like my soul is aware they are happening when they do, and I yearn to stay in that space for as long as it is there.......to bring healing to my heart and soul each time........taking my healing from wherever it comes.......