Distortion.............

So recently in quite a few ways, I have been able to read stuff that has given me a peek into their perspective some.......their "reality"........and it has been challenging......I know in life that all people carry perspective in their experience and it gives them a reality to live in and I believe all are entitled to that......and because his is not mine does not diminish it for me or make me not try to understand it......however much of what I have heard is distorted......like so much so it is disheartening......and really it is in the lack of recognition I see in him for the things I tried to do at the end that perhaps is the most hurtful......he clearly was caught up in his own story, his own pain, his own stuff and just unable to see......and I have to let that go......but it isn't easy when you pour your heart and soul into another......accept them where they were......try and help them climb their mountains freely and with love and compassion and somehow end up the villain on the other side.......I am tired of being the villain in their story........I truly don't even have words for the weariness it brings......because I don't deserve the title.......not even a little bit........and I know that I have to be made the villain so they don't need to look at what they have done very much......find ways to justify it by spinning a distorted narrative.....all of it......I get it.......I get how it relates to psychology and the patterns people play in all that I have learned.....and even in that awareness and understanding.....there is still a part that is just over it......over having to deal with it......and wishing that some clarity would come to find them as it has come to find me......and there are parts of our marriage that I want to own to him......to talk with him about to find a way to express and move on......stuff I too wish I could say.......things that I wish had been different that I had done differently......I am not making this all about him or the things he has done......but having said that there is a really distorted reality......as it relates to this......that they are living under, and I am not sure who they have in their lives supporting it????? Because the rest of the world sees it as I do........ as clearly as can be.......it makes you wonder the power of our minds......of stories we tell ourselves over and over......stories we have to tell ourselves to put our heads on the pillow at night......to reconcile the things we have done.....it is a powerful force indeed.......and part of it is a lesson for me......to stand in my truth and not let it waiver based on what is thrown at me......the truth will always be the truth and a lie will always be a lie.......that is just the way it is.......some days it is harder for me to let go of this sort of thing than others......because it can be so painful to have all that effort and love I extended wasted and not recognized by the person you wish it had been.......but I am choosing to try and focus on the lesson......on increasing my stamina to endure things I cannot control......not let them get in and destroy.....acknowledge them....wish them well......then let them go......on repeat.....each and every day......